forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

[He nods.] I won't have any expectations of him with the children. He doesn't have to help raise them or claim any sort of ownership or anything like that. Of course anyone whose important to you that you want in their lives is welcome, but I won't demand anything of them. [Now if she wants to, she can, but at least he has no problem with the separation.]

[A pause.] But I have always wanted children. Even if I didn't plan on any for some time, I know I do want them someday. So I'm willing to accommodate any thing I can to make it happen. [Its a very serious want of his, one of the few things he knows he wants for himself.]

[Oh.]

[Oh, that is a lot and very clear examples the dark voices can't just dismiss as some kind of platitude, that is Hard Facts and]

[He swallows thickly and he snuggles closer, shaking a bit because he]

[He may want to cry right now.]

[That is a lot of validation and affirmations that he's doing all right with something he's been terrified of messing up.]

I love you. I love you so much. [Muttered against her neck.]

[He needs more varied experiences to pull from.]

[ She nods along, not quite able to see how all the pieces of her life will fit together with this new aspect in play, but still firm in wanting to move forward. Even though having a family would mean she's definitely not going to spend much time on Teyvat as planned. But... she's okay with that. Visits can still happen. Never hurts to have a few gods to call on if you need some heavies, or someone to get drunk and sing with. And she loves Venti, there's no way she could just not see him. ]

We'll figure it out. And so will Kantera. [ He can still have Saya and not be a parent figure to her children, that doesn't sound odd to her. Chiropteran family structures, such as they are. are so against most norms anyway. ]

[ She can feel him reacting to what she said, glad that he doesn't argue or debate it. So this is what he needs to hear... okay, she can do that. Provide reassurances and specifics in accordance with how he digests information. Saya relies more on vibes than facts so it wouldn't be her natural inclination, but she can do this. ]

I know you do. I know it with everything in me, and everything in me loves you just as much. [ She'd like if he stopped doubting that, but she isn't hypocrite enough to think it's that easy. ]

[At least children grow up and honestly, DBK and PIF are almost definitely the type to be the overly doting grandparents. Especially after how much time was lost for them just being Parents to Red Son. So Red Son won't ever just be alone with the kids when Saya wanted to go visit without the kids.]

[~~And who knows about his own partners and their own feelings.~~]

[He nods.] Yes. We have plenty of time. [Certainly not happening while they were here, and probably need a while even after they go home. Just so his family can get to know her first and their arrangement.]

[Vibes are hard to quantify. Data is a lot harder for the dark voices to get hold.]

[There is a soft purr against her, his hold tightening. For a few minutes just curled up against her.]

I can't hear about you being with Wukong yet. [Muttered against her neck. Soft.] I'm not there yet. I'll let you know when that changes. But otherwise...

Just be happy.

[ Certainly not yet. There's no rush, and in fact many good reasons not to rush. Obtaining the gem is just a lot easier while they're here and can just make a wish rather than having to travel between worlds, but it can go into storage for centuries without degrading in this stable form. ]

[ Honestly, the children discussion helps with some of her insecurities. It's not like he'd make those plans with someone disposable... right? ]

[ Saya strokes through his hair and hits some of the relaxation points on his neck. Glad he seems to be calming down. And then he says-- ]

[ She's not quite clear on whether he means don't do anything to get closer there yet, or that he just can't hear about whatever happens. But she doesn't really need to ask for clarification, since if Red Son told her not to get close to Wukong she wouldn't be able to promise that anyway. And he did say before that he'll try to handle it. Whether this is selfishly motivated thinking or not, she chooses to interpret that to mean that she needs to pretend it's not happening, keep it out of Red Son's eyesight and earshot. Which is a similar arrangement she has... had... with Kantera, really. (That is changing rapidly. Thanks Sylvain for being a bisexual menace.) ]

I wouldn't. [ Talk about it. Rub it in his face. She values and respects him too much to carelessly hurt him in that way. ]

I am happy. There's a reason I keep saying it. And believe me, it's not something I'd say if I wasn't, because I didn't. Until very recently.

[ He can thank Kantera and Yuri and Venti for starting that, but he's a big piece of it. ]

[Absolutely not. He can give her time, he can understand being away, but he wouldn't decide to have kids with someone if he didn't want them in his life. He wanted a full family and wanted his kids to have a better situation than him and that meant at least intending to have two parents.]

[And at least Saya's interpretation is right. Red Son isn't ready to see Saya and Wukong together. He's just not. Not with the dark, squirmy feelings inside him, not when he still can't look at Wukong without feeling those centuries of loneliness and struggle. The less he's reminded, that easier it'll be to manage those feelings.]

[He nods, and kisses over her mark.] Thank you.

I mean specifically in regards to that topic..

But...I am glad I can make you happy.

That things are better for you now.

[ She understands Red Son's feelings about Wukong. However, having also had to hunt and kill a sibling over their attempt to cull humanity, Saya sees Wukong's perspective incredibly well. They both have good reasons for their views and feelings. And she absolutely refuses to be in the middle of any of it anymore. She can love them both without it being a problem, surely, this is what she's built for. ]

I know what you meant. [ And she appreciates it, but is keeping it brief on purpose. ]

[ Another kiss to his head. ]

You do. Everyone in that ten mile radius wishes I'd tone it down.

Things are so much better. My life isn't defined by loss anymore, or a horrible duty I never wanted and could only handle alone.

I have a lot of people to thank for that. You're one of them. My husband. Venti. Yuri... maybe him more than anyone. He's always been my bellwether when I was lost.

I'm incredibly lucky that being dragged to Hell led to all this.

Everyone in a ten mile radius can go eat lava.

Your bellwether? I knew he was the type to go above and beyond people, but I hadn't realized you were that close.

It can be surprising what happens in the underworld. [Another kiss to her neck.] But its nice when the unexpected can work out.

I quite agree. [ She earned this happiness, bought and paid for it with death and pain and torment of every kind. ]

Mm, he is. The first memory I recovered was of one of my berserk massacres. He was with me when I watched it. If he had rejected me, or been afraid of me, I don't know that I'd ever have been able to accept myself. Every step of the way, he told me that who and what I am is just fine. Better than fine.

Others did the same of course, but he was the first. The foundation. I still turn to him whenever I have doubts. He has a gift for being rational and empathetic at once.

We're friends and nothing more, but I love him as much as anyone.

[...hmmm, that is very good to know. Yuri CAN be quite pragmatic, he had been very understanding and calm when Red Son told him about his villainhood.]

So he's the one I have to thank for you being pleased I encourage you to embrace those parts of you.

Friends are important. I'll never deny that.

I bet he'd be happy to know that. I should tell him more often. [ Especially since the messed up with him not long ago. Blah blah misguided running from people she loves so she doesn't ruin their lives combined with his thinking everyone will leave him eventually. Bad combo. ]

But yes, he's the one. He's the most accepting human I've ever met.

[ Also a great time in bed, cough. She loves masochists. ]

[A terrible combo.] It never hurts to hear appreciation.

He does seem that. I was rather honest with him before joining the guild. He thought my reasoning for joining was still valid enough for the goals of it.

I'm not surprised in the slightest.

[ Saya obviously knows a lot of very personal things about Yuri, such as believing he's actually a terrible person and that making him disinclined to be bothered by "villainy" if one was upfront about it and didn't sow chaos just to do it, that she's tempted to add here just as context, but no. There are reasons to get into that and this isn't one of them. ]

You should get to know him. I think you'd like him. Everyone does.

He seemed pleasant enough when we've talked before. I just got a little...obsessive.

[As she knows.]

I'm going to try and be more sociable now. I figure it would help you and the others feel less like you need to fuss.

I want you to do whatever makes you happy. If that's working on projects, as long as you let me drag you out every once in a while, that's fine with me. [ She doesn't ask much, just the occasional date and the less occasional booty call. ]

If you want to be sociable, of course you should.

I do like projects, but it is a unique opportunity here. Back home, there's always a chance I'd be recognized right away, or not too long after the fact.

Here, most have no idea who I am, either from legends or current reputation.

It makes socializing feel less fraught with mines.

Certainly couldn't do it all the time, it gets tiring, but I do want to try it more.

I can certainly understand that. Hell was the first time I got to relax, excepting a period of amnesia where my past was kept from me. [ Even her good memories from her home world are Fraught. ]

If you ever want me to drag you to any of the things I attend, just say the world. [ Obviously she's all over the place, so. ]

I wouldn't say no. I like spending time with you.

Somedays, crowds are too much, and there is always the chance I may need to leave.

Abruptly.

But that is simply how I am with crowds, so rest assured it'll never be about you.

[ She doesn't understand introversion especially, but she certainly respects it. ]

I'll extend the invitations then, and I'll always understand if you can't. Or if you need to leave, so long as you say something before taking off. If you can. Or at least text me when you can.

[ She's flexible enough, it's not like if he leaves she'd be lost and alone. ]

My coworkers have parties all the time in some of the other clubs the same management runs, for example. Usually it's pretty subdued, no one is terribly inclined to go too hard before a shift. [ Just ignore how hard some of them hit on her, it's only banter. ]

My spouse and their housemates are throwing a pumpkin carving thing soon, as well. It might help you to have something to do with your hands.

I can at least text. Usually an abrupt leaving is because I am trying to avoid setting something on fire. [So best to be gone before that happens.]

[He knows how he can get at parties, even with someone he does like around. Sometimes it just isn't enough to counter all the other stress. Though at least parties here have been easier than the ones he attended at home.]

[Less trying to focus on a mission helped.]

Subdued is good. Doing something with my hands is also good. It gets out the worst energy.

Hey, some people have a little fire coming. [ One day she'll see how Red Son behaves with other people and it will make so many things clearer. ]

I thought it might. And one of the hosts is a weapons fanatic. It should be fun to see what he pulls out to use on the pumpkins. [ It's a delightful array of sharp things, be still Saya's heart. ]

You seem to be feeling better now. [ That's sort of a question. How're things inside that pretty head? ]

They do, but I would hate to cause you trouble without it being very well earned. [He could be too much of a hair trigger at times. And other times, it was very well warranted.]

It sounds like a good time.

Hm, I'm tired. But the....emotions feel less like they're going to drown me.

I feel....more secure? [Trying to word it all is hard.]

You don't need to get into specifics. I'm checking that there's an upward trend, is all. [ She too needs reassurance that she's doing this right. ]

[ She thinks for a second about how to possibly help more, and can't think of any more words. She's so bad with words. ]

[ But... ]

Just trust me for a second, all right?

[ She leans down to touch her forehead to his temple, and then slowly, like the glow of sunrise banishing the din, he'll feel her feelings. A diluted version of them, since her emotions can be very overwhelming as strong as they are, and she wants to comfort him, not send him into a panic or make him feel like he needs to clamp down on his control. He'll feel them in a distant way, sotto voce as it were. ]

[ He'll feel her love for him, gleaming bright enough to blind if it were made physical. Even in this mild emotional exchange it could bowl him over. Her respect for him, her affection, how desperately she wants to make him happy, how happy he makes her. How easy she finds it to put aside her own troubles and tend to him, not out of self-sacrificing feelings or obligation, but out of genuinely finding it easy and effortless to, because how could she focus on herself when he needs her? And she finds it extremely gratifying to be able to provide him that, it makes her proud and delighted. ]

[ How she wants him to have all the things that make him happy. How viciously she would fight to make sure it happened. ]

[ Her genuine care for and admiration for his parents. They fought for the love they wanted no matter what anyone thought, and Saya aspires to be so steadfast and focused. She wants to make sure what she has with Red Son will be exactly that strong. She knows beyond doubt that his parents are proud of him, and so is she. ]

[ It's warm and safe and calm and comfortable. And utterly, completely solid. She has not one single doubt whatever that he's the right choice for a partner, for eternity. ]

[ She doesn't hide the negative feelings from him because she knows that would be suspect, and she has nothing to hide. They're far less prominent than the love and care and concern, but they're present. All the expected self-doubt, certainty that she's going to screw this up somehow, she always loses everything that matters to her. Anxiety about being what he needs. Jealousy about Mei and MK specifically, and possessiveness in general, her instinct to hoard what's hers so no one else can touch it. Fear that she can't hope to measure up to that history, that she'll always be what he settled for because he thinks those two are beyond his reach. Worry that her tendency to collect partners and her affection for Wukong specifically (she's not in love with him, by the way) will make Red Son feel like less than her top priority -- she has more than one top priority, more than one other who she loves as much, true, but there's no one, no one that she loves more. ]

...You see?

[Red Son frowns, but nods his head all the same at the request. She had mentioned telepathy before, and he thinks he's in a stable enough state that it would be okay. So he waits for her to do what she wishes.]

...

[Oh]

[Oh]

[Its not that Red Son is unused to intense feelings. He, himself, feels things incredibly intensely. It was part of his volatile and fiery nature. Intense emotions in of themselves are not something beyond his ability to take. It would perhaps get a reaction, a flare up, a yell, some kind of dramatic reaction, an intense fire that needs to burn bright for a few moments until the excess is released so he can work on the rest.]

[Intensity is not the issue.]

[Its the specific emotions in of themselves.]

[Red Son's parents love him. On some level, he knows this. But he didn't have his father for most of his life, and while his mother would give her life to protect Red Son, would give him all the material he asks for, and they understood each other, it was no substitute for care and affection a child needs from their parent and she was dealing with too much to properly give it more often than not.]

[And there was literally No One Else until MK and Mei.]

[It doesn't matter how diluted the feelings are.]

[They might as well be a bullet train.]

[Affirmation. Validation. Affection and care and love, things Red Son has always craved like a man in the deserts craves water. Love is what Red Son is. Love is what motivates his every desire, his every goal, practically his every breath. His love for his parents, his love for his friends, his love for Saya and MK. Even his tinkering is his love for innovation, his love of the craft.]

[And he's so painfully used to feeling his love with an intensity that burns as hotly as the Samadhi Fire, something that could consume and destroy him, and just]

[Never expecting it to be given in return.]

[He feels it too much, how could it ever be given in return in equal amounts. There will always be something holding it back. Some way he doesn't measure up enough to get it.]

[He doesn't expect such a pure, unfiltered amount of love, where all the negativity comes from Saya feeling she's lacking over Red Son's own lack.]

[It hits, and it hits hard, a direct strike to his heart, and it feels almost impossible to breathe, like coiling vines around his heart and through his ribcage, and every move of his arm tugs them tight, all attached to the scar he chose to have on his skin, instead of all the scars that had spoken to his incompetence and failure to help his loved ones.]

[There is no verbal answer.]

[Instead just a sudden and harsh sob, starting to shake, his hands clutching at her like the only lifeline keeping him tethered to reality.]

[ One benefit of her painful life is that Saya understands a good deal of things, particularly what it feels like when all your insecurities and fears are pierced by a brilliant ray of unexpected love. It hurts, like a fist that's been clenched long enough to forget how it feels to relax. It's wonderful, but it aches, and it overwhelms. ]

[ Saya holds him as he works through it all, not shying away one inch. Not stopping the flow of emotions, projecting patience and empathy and care. Soothing him while not relaxing one inch of the love she's projecting. It'll hurt as he becomes used to it, she knows that firsthand, but he will. She'll help. ]

It's okay. [ Her voice is soft, certain, as are her feelings. She'll be steady for him. ]

Edited 2023-10-13 00:15 (UTC)

[It hurts. It hurts far more than he would have ever expected it too. He knows love can hurt, but that was always in the thought that bad things happen to interrupt love. Misunderstandings, harm to one or both, separation. Of course all those things hurt.]

[He didn't expect getting love would hurt this much.]

[But almost akin to when he had the Samadhi Fire, he doesn't want the pain to end. He wants to hold onto it, to relish in it, even as it pulls choking sobs from his throat.]

[His hold on her doesn't loosen, can't with the assault of feelings that feel like its trying to claw his heart open.]

[It]

[Will be some time before he can calm down with the feelings projected.]

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