forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

They do, but I would hate to cause you trouble without it being very well earned. [He could be too much of a hair trigger at times. And other times, it was very well warranted.]

It sounds like a good time.

Hm, I'm tired. But the....emotions feel less like they're going to drown me.

I feel....more secure? [Trying to word it all is hard.]

You don't need to get into specifics. I'm checking that there's an upward trend, is all. [ She too needs reassurance that she's doing this right. ]

[ She thinks for a second about how to possibly help more, and can't think of any more words. She's so bad with words. ]

[ But... ]

Just trust me for a second, all right?

[ She leans down to touch her forehead to his temple, and then slowly, like the glow of sunrise banishing the din, he'll feel her feelings. A diluted version of them, since her emotions can be very overwhelming as strong as they are, and she wants to comfort him, not send him into a panic or make him feel like he needs to clamp down on his control. He'll feel them in a distant way, sotto voce as it were. ]

[ He'll feel her love for him, gleaming bright enough to blind if it were made physical. Even in this mild emotional exchange it could bowl him over. Her respect for him, her affection, how desperately she wants to make him happy, how happy he makes her. How easy she finds it to put aside her own troubles and tend to him, not out of self-sacrificing feelings or obligation, but out of genuinely finding it easy and effortless to, because how could she focus on herself when he needs her? And she finds it extremely gratifying to be able to provide him that, it makes her proud and delighted. ]

[ How she wants him to have all the things that make him happy. How viciously she would fight to make sure it happened. ]

[ Her genuine care for and admiration for his parents. They fought for the love they wanted no matter what anyone thought, and Saya aspires to be so steadfast and focused. She wants to make sure what she has with Red Son will be exactly that strong. She knows beyond doubt that his parents are proud of him, and so is she. ]

[ It's warm and safe and calm and comfortable. And utterly, completely solid. She has not one single doubt whatever that he's the right choice for a partner, for eternity. ]

[ She doesn't hide the negative feelings from him because she knows that would be suspect, and she has nothing to hide. They're far less prominent than the love and care and concern, but they're present. All the expected self-doubt, certainty that she's going to screw this up somehow, she always loses everything that matters to her. Anxiety about being what he needs. Jealousy about Mei and MK specifically, and possessiveness in general, her instinct to hoard what's hers so no one else can touch it. Fear that she can't hope to measure up to that history, that she'll always be what he settled for because he thinks those two are beyond his reach. Worry that her tendency to collect partners and her affection for Wukong specifically (she's not in love with him, by the way) will make Red Son feel like less than her top priority -- she has more than one top priority, more than one other who she loves as much, true, but there's no one, no one that she loves more. ]

...You see?

[Red Son frowns, but nods his head all the same at the request. She had mentioned telepathy before, and he thinks he's in a stable enough state that it would be okay. So he waits for her to do what she wishes.]

...

[Oh]

[Oh]

[Its not that Red Son is unused to intense feelings. He, himself, feels things incredibly intensely. It was part of his volatile and fiery nature. Intense emotions in of themselves are not something beyond his ability to take. It would perhaps get a reaction, a flare up, a yell, some kind of dramatic reaction, an intense fire that needs to burn bright for a few moments until the excess is released so he can work on the rest.]

[Intensity is not the issue.]

[Its the specific emotions in of themselves.]

[Red Son's parents love him. On some level, he knows this. But he didn't have his father for most of his life, and while his mother would give her life to protect Red Son, would give him all the material he asks for, and they understood each other, it was no substitute for care and affection a child needs from their parent and she was dealing with too much to properly give it more often than not.]

[And there was literally No One Else until MK and Mei.]

[It doesn't matter how diluted the feelings are.]

[They might as well be a bullet train.]

[Affirmation. Validation. Affection and care and love, things Red Son has always craved like a man in the deserts craves water. Love is what Red Son is. Love is what motivates his every desire, his every goal, practically his every breath. His love for his parents, his love for his friends, his love for Saya and MK. Even his tinkering is his love for innovation, his love of the craft.]

[And he's so painfully used to feeling his love with an intensity that burns as hotly as the Samadhi Fire, something that could consume and destroy him, and just]

[Never expecting it to be given in return.]

[He feels it too much, how could it ever be given in return in equal amounts. There will always be something holding it back. Some way he doesn't measure up enough to get it.]

[He doesn't expect such a pure, unfiltered amount of love, where all the negativity comes from Saya feeling she's lacking over Red Son's own lack.]

[It hits, and it hits hard, a direct strike to his heart, and it feels almost impossible to breathe, like coiling vines around his heart and through his ribcage, and every move of his arm tugs them tight, all attached to the scar he chose to have on his skin, instead of all the scars that had spoken to his incompetence and failure to help his loved ones.]

[There is no verbal answer.]

[Instead just a sudden and harsh sob, starting to shake, his hands clutching at her like the only lifeline keeping him tethered to reality.]

[ One benefit of her painful life is that Saya understands a good deal of things, particularly what it feels like when all your insecurities and fears are pierced by a brilliant ray of unexpected love. It hurts, like a fist that's been clenched long enough to forget how it feels to relax. It's wonderful, but it aches, and it overwhelms. ]

[ Saya holds him as he works through it all, not shying away one inch. Not stopping the flow of emotions, projecting patience and empathy and care. Soothing him while not relaxing one inch of the love she's projecting. It'll hurt as he becomes used to it, she knows that firsthand, but he will. She'll help. ]

It's okay. [ Her voice is soft, certain, as are her feelings. She'll be steady for him. ]

Edited 2023-10-13 00:15 (UTC)

[It hurts. It hurts far more than he would have ever expected it too. He knows love can hurt, but that was always in the thought that bad things happen to interrupt love. Misunderstandings, harm to one or both, separation. Of course all those things hurt.]

[He didn't expect getting love would hurt this much.]

[But almost akin to when he had the Samadhi Fire, he doesn't want the pain to end. He wants to hold onto it, to relish in it, even as it pulls choking sobs from his throat.]

[His hold on her doesn't loosen, can't with the assault of feelings that feel like its trying to claw his heart open.]

[It]

[Will be some time before he can calm down with the feelings projected.]

[ It hurts, but it has to hurt for now, she knows. Sooner or later, that hurt will give way to something peaceful and incredible. She can't rush him through, and wouldn't want to if she could. But she's not about to stop the flow of her feelings through him, not when he needs to feel it so that spark can happen, the first seed of believing that this is real, something he can keep and hold forever, unconditionally. ]

[ He just needs to ride this out. There's no other path through. She walked it, and is better for it. ]

[ So, as is becoming customary when he needs comfort, she sings. And she'll sing until his sobs slow and his breathing evens out, until he feels ready to do more than react. ]

[There is definitely no rushing through it. Those dark voices have been around for centuries, with little to counteract them. A habit that will be hard to great, even with this overwhelming, piercing, painful evidence that he can be given such a love, one that seems so unconditional.]

[He wants it so badly. He wants to take it, and bury it in his chest, and keep it for forever. A treasure to jealously hoard for as long as he's able.]

[The music helps a bit. Something a little more present that isn't the sea of feelings. An action he's been asking for, for comfort, and she offers it in her care.]

[He actually sobs hard for the first bit of the song, another coiling vine in his heart. But at least they ease some, to something less rough. Still rough, but not as harsh.]

[It will probably be a few songs before the sobs finally peter out. Longer still until he's able to breathe regularly, where exhaustion finally allows the vines to loosen in his chest. His hold on her less desperate, but unwilling to let go.]

[Still shaking faintly, but at least he's grown silent.]

[ She sings one more song after his sobbing seems to have stopped. Stroking his hair, his back. Curling closer and nuzzling his head. And keeping the flow of her feelings into him so he doesn't start to doubt whether they were as real or as potent as they are. ]

I can do that anytime you start to have doubts. Eventually it will be easier. [ To deal with, to accept. The pain with shrink as the certainty grows. ]

Now you know exactly what I mean when I tell you that I love you.

I'll end up crying on you again. [His voice is rough, curled up against her.]

[He's being honest. There's no talking out of his reaction, so he's not going to try. Just being honest. That was all...too much and intense to pretend he isn't gonna cry again.]

[He STILL wants to cry, he is just too tired to.]

What's so wrong with that? [ Crying is just something that happens to get through things. Saya's probably cried enough to fill an ocean in her life. ]

I don't mind it. It's not even a small price to pay, it's no price at all. And eventually you won't cry anymore.

[ Another nuzzle to his temple. ]

[Because then he's weak and a bother and its weird to hear an okay for it.]

[Even if the dark voices can't really take root in the face of all those feelings being pushed into his mind.]

...okay.

Can you read minds?

[ Hard disagree. ]

I can't delve into your mind without consent, but if I establish a link and you choose to let things flow to me, I'll receive them.

Hm.

I'm going to pay you back.

Another time as.

As there is a lot going on in here.

[THERE IS SO MUCH and even if he's stopped sobbing, the tears haven't ACTUALLY stopped, its just more a quiet stream of wet against her shoulder.]

But.

But I don't want you to doubt either.

No hurry. I don't have doubts beyond the normal background noise of my self image. You were so careful in considering what your feelings for me were, and offering me a place in your family can't be mistaken.

[ Her mind sometimes tries, but there's tangible proof on her wrist and now on her neck. ]

I used to never understand the point of wedding rings. It's just jewelry and it mucks up one's grip. [ for a sword user this is important ] But having something to see, touch, and remember that you're loved can mean everything.

You have my mark on you now, for that purpose. [ BUT ALSO she has something being worked on, it's just taking forever for a lot of complicated reasons. ]

[Red Son hummed.] That's why not know. The...background noise is too loud. Even if you're doing...quite a lot to drown it out. [His voice shakes on that last part, his hold tightening on her briefly.]

[It is So Much.]

It does. Its always possible to find ways to dismiss simple words, but actions are louder. Choosing to find something, to try and express your affection, at least proves the person is on your mind when you're not together.

And being able to look at the reminder of each other can do a lot when you miss that person. [His mother lost her jewelry box, but she didn't lose everything. She kept the most important pieces with her, even as they traveled.]

I do. And it helps. It helps to wake up and see it. To remember how lucky I am to have met you.

You needn't make excuses. I didn't do this with the expectation that you'd reciprocate on any timeline, or at all. [ There is no room for quid pro quo in her idea of love. It's give when needed, accept when offered... barring the complexities of life, about which there should be understanding. ]

[ Her smile does shift when he speaks, Saya doesn't blush easily and she doesn't here, but her expression is such that one would be at home on her face. ]

You'll be waking up to me more often too, don't forget. [ She and MK will work out a schedule, it'll be shockingly easy due to her full calendar. Maybe sometimes they'll cuddlepile it up... Saya did that with Yuri and Venti so often that it seems second nature, and the relationship there is similar with both of them partnered up with Venti and not each other. Although they are sleeping together which is a difference. ]

I still want to. I know your voices are loud. You should feel something like this.

My...reactions aside. [LISTEN. She gets it. He's a mess, but its a mess for good reasons compared to other things.]

[...that is a good reminder. Probably best to not have MK sleep in his bed until he tells her their relationship change.]

[In a few days. Not after...all this. That is such poor timing.]

[A few days will be fine, especially when MK knows he wants to be the one to tell her.]

I wasn't sure how often I was. Your sleepiness did make it a hard judge.

Perhaps I should get you one of those mirrors though. The ones that can connect two places.

When or if ever you're ready. [ She's truly not pressed about it. Her insecurities are what they are, and they'll be on full display sometimes, but generally she's used to them enough. ]

[ Smelling someone else on her pillow is a big trigger for that, but things can be worked around. She can bring a pillow over that is only for her, things like that. Once the initial shock wears off she'll get down to the logistical work that will make her comfortable. ]

If you'd like a mirror port connecting our homes, I wouldn't mind that. Sometimes I'd probably still use the key, there are times I need to move. [ Run, fly, ride her bike. ]

When. [Said firmly, resolutely. He's gonna. Not now, but he's gonna do it.]

[At least their time is probably in MK's nest for the most part. Helping him settle in those new monkey instincts.]

Hm, that's fair. But it would perhaps let you feel close, being able to walk to another room to see me, versus having to do that.

When, then. [ But she's not counting any chickens. ]

[ His wording about the mirrors gives her a thought: ]

Does it bother you that I'm keeping the other place as my primary residence? Especially given the plans we have. [ Talking about her not having her own room in his parent's home, children, all that. ]

[ She divides her time pretty well, but even so. She just wants to make sure. ]

[Trust in his chicken providing!!!]

[He does his best.]

No. Its where you have a number of your people, and I honestly could not live in a place with that many people in such close quarters. [It would drive him up the wall.]

Also its the place where you take a lot of your partners and while I deal with the fact you have other partners well, I think if I lived where all those scents are present, my instincts would win out over wanting you to be happy eventually and then I'd act out.

[ She trusts, but also knows how glacially he can move about these things. It'll be better for everyone if she doesn't have expectations to get impatient about. ]

That's why my husband and I have our own bedroom, where no guests are allowed. It's the only thing that kept me sane for a while, having somewhere to lay my head where I knew I couldn't smell anyone else on the pillow.

And this way he could have the decorations he wanted without worry about bloodstains. [ There's a reason her spare bedroom has the coloring it has. ]

My instincts can be a pain sometimes, but there's workarounds. Just takes a little creativity. And a few of those magic house expansions.

The house expansions do give more space, but still. The risk is there, and having you live here would mean asking for a lot of new concessions on both our ends, which could be upsetting when things as they are now are stable.

You can be with Kantera and your other people and I assume things have worked out well in your house. I can have my space without having a bunch of people around when I'm used to a castle, or a bunch of scents that don't 'belong' to me being present in 'my territory.' [Complete with air quotes. Instincts are a bitch, whether or not he consciously choose to view things like them.]

When there's a reason for a change of our living situations, we can work it out then, but you're happy where you are, I assume?

I think you're misunderstanding. I'd never suggest you be around everyone who lives over there. Believe me, it's not a mix that would work out.

[ That is a house full of extroverts and free spirits. ]

I wanted to make sure you didn't feel as though my priorities were muddled. The stuff about my instincts and bedrooms was just making conversation.

[ Also because she sees the writing on the wall, she just doesn't know it's already on there. ]

[Aggressive introvert absolutely needs space and he would go up the wall.]

Oh. Fair enough.

I understand your priorities. I just like the idea of accessibility of the mirrors. If anything changes, we can talk about adjustments.

[He makes a note to talk about it when he brings up the thing with MK.]

Should I keep any flings off your pillow?

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