forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

[Red Son hummed.] That's why not know. The...background noise is too loud. Even if you're doing...quite a lot to drown it out. [His voice shakes on that last part, his hold tightening on her briefly.]

[It is So Much.]

It does. Its always possible to find ways to dismiss simple words, but actions are louder. Choosing to find something, to try and express your affection, at least proves the person is on your mind when you're not together.

And being able to look at the reminder of each other can do a lot when you miss that person. [His mother lost her jewelry box, but she didn't lose everything. She kept the most important pieces with her, even as they traveled.]

I do. And it helps. It helps to wake up and see it. To remember how lucky I am to have met you.

You needn't make excuses. I didn't do this with the expectation that you'd reciprocate on any timeline, or at all. [ There is no room for quid pro quo in her idea of love. It's give when needed, accept when offered... barring the complexities of life, about which there should be understanding. ]

[ Her smile does shift when he speaks, Saya doesn't blush easily and she doesn't here, but her expression is such that one would be at home on her face. ]

You'll be waking up to me more often too, don't forget. [ She and MK will work out a schedule, it'll be shockingly easy due to her full calendar. Maybe sometimes they'll cuddlepile it up... Saya did that with Yuri and Venti so often that it seems second nature, and the relationship there is similar with both of them partnered up with Venti and not each other. Although they are sleeping together which is a difference. ]

I still want to. I know your voices are loud. You should feel something like this.

My...reactions aside. [LISTEN. She gets it. He's a mess, but its a mess for good reasons compared to other things.]

[...that is a good reminder. Probably best to not have MK sleep in his bed until he tells her their relationship change.]

[In a few days. Not after...all this. That is such poor timing.]

[A few days will be fine, especially when MK knows he wants to be the one to tell her.]

I wasn't sure how often I was. Your sleepiness did make it a hard judge.

Perhaps I should get you one of those mirrors though. The ones that can connect two places.

When or if ever you're ready. [ She's truly not pressed about it. Her insecurities are what they are, and they'll be on full display sometimes, but generally she's used to them enough. ]

[ Smelling someone else on her pillow is a big trigger for that, but things can be worked around. She can bring a pillow over that is only for her, things like that. Once the initial shock wears off she'll get down to the logistical work that will make her comfortable. ]

If you'd like a mirror port connecting our homes, I wouldn't mind that. Sometimes I'd probably still use the key, there are times I need to move. [ Run, fly, ride her bike. ]

When. [Said firmly, resolutely. He's gonna. Not now, but he's gonna do it.]

[At least their time is probably in MK's nest for the most part. Helping him settle in those new monkey instincts.]

Hm, that's fair. But it would perhaps let you feel close, being able to walk to another room to see me, versus having to do that.

When, then. [ But she's not counting any chickens. ]

[ His wording about the mirrors gives her a thought: ]

Does it bother you that I'm keeping the other place as my primary residence? Especially given the plans we have. [ Talking about her not having her own room in his parent's home, children, all that. ]

[ She divides her time pretty well, but even so. She just wants to make sure. ]

[Trust in his chicken providing!!!]

[He does his best.]

No. Its where you have a number of your people, and I honestly could not live in a place with that many people in such close quarters. [It would drive him up the wall.]

Also its the place where you take a lot of your partners and while I deal with the fact you have other partners well, I think if I lived where all those scents are present, my instincts would win out over wanting you to be happy eventually and then I'd act out.

[ She trusts, but also knows how glacially he can move about these things. It'll be better for everyone if she doesn't have expectations to get impatient about. ]

That's why my husband and I have our own bedroom, where no guests are allowed. It's the only thing that kept me sane for a while, having somewhere to lay my head where I knew I couldn't smell anyone else on the pillow.

And this way he could have the decorations he wanted without worry about bloodstains. [ There's a reason her spare bedroom has the coloring it has. ]

My instincts can be a pain sometimes, but there's workarounds. Just takes a little creativity. And a few of those magic house expansions.

The house expansions do give more space, but still. The risk is there, and having you live here would mean asking for a lot of new concessions on both our ends, which could be upsetting when things as they are now are stable.

You can be with Kantera and your other people and I assume things have worked out well in your house. I can have my space without having a bunch of people around when I'm used to a castle, or a bunch of scents that don't 'belong' to me being present in 'my territory.' [Complete with air quotes. Instincts are a bitch, whether or not he consciously choose to view things like them.]

When there's a reason for a change of our living situations, we can work it out then, but you're happy where you are, I assume?

I think you're misunderstanding. I'd never suggest you be around everyone who lives over there. Believe me, it's not a mix that would work out.

[ That is a house full of extroverts and free spirits. ]

I wanted to make sure you didn't feel as though my priorities were muddled. The stuff about my instincts and bedrooms was just making conversation.

[ Also because she sees the writing on the wall, she just doesn't know it's already on there. ]

[Aggressive introvert absolutely needs space and he would go up the wall.]

Oh. Fair enough.

I understand your priorities. I just like the idea of accessibility of the mirrors. If anything changes, we can talk about adjustments.

[He makes a note to talk about it when he brings up the thing with MK.]

Should I keep any flings off your pillow?

[ She cuts off the telepathic connection abruptly. She tries not to tense up and is moderately successful. ]

I need time to think about that. Okay? [ She absolutely doesn't need time to think about it, she needs time to think about how to say it. ]

[He breathes in sharply at the sudden cut off, shuddering hard.]

[It aches not to have it.]

...I honestly think I should just take that as a yes, but okay.

[ It would have ached to keep it with what went through her mind. ]

...Under ideal circumstances I wouldn't be able to smell anyone else on the bedding, and especially not their blood if there was biting. But...

[ There's no but. She just wants to be the type of person that could more gracefully work around something like that. Instead she lets that hang. ]

I understand, Saya. I can quell my instincts for short bursts, but I know it'd hit a critical mass at some point. It's just good to be certain so I know to be mindful.

I'm a bit different. I can usually tame things enough, given time, but the initial reaction is going to be what it is. And usually that's pretty intense.

[ Just, you know, fair warning. ]

Remember when I said that eventually I'll run and you'll have to chase me? That applies here. When I feel overwhelmed, especially by my instincts, I get scared off. [ Since she still doesn't know what causes her berserk rages, and Wukong made it sound like that's just who she is, she's trained herself to scamper off whenever she feels overcome by those feelings. That inclination sometimes has her running when it has nothing to do with being afraid of hurting anyone, when she's the only one hurting. ]

Proverbially or literally, when I feel that rush of possessiveness, I'll run. I'll insist I'm fine, and then I'll run. You can't let me. Reassure me that it doesn't change anything with us or how you feel about me, that should help.

Nothing will be helped if you let me alone to give me time. I'll spend every second of that time convincing myself of the worst, and then it will take far too long to right that ship. Make me stay, and talk to me. Talk until I hear you.

[ Hopefully now that she's given him clear directions the bump in the road will be a very brief one. ]

[Oooooh.]

Oh! One of those situations. [He remembers this conversation.]

I'll chase after you. [He reaches down, finally not clutching at her back, to reach for her hand.] I won't let you be alone with those thoughts.

One of those, yes. [ There are a lot of those, frankly. ] If I'm ever insisting on being alone, you need to default to chasing me down. I never want to be alone, I'm afraid of being alone, so if I'm saying I do then it's the biggest red flag imaginable.

[ There's saying she needs time before addressing something, which is one issue, and then there's running. Saying she wants to be alone "to think". Nothing good comes from the latter. ]

...It doesn't take long to calm me down. Or much. You'll see when it happens, if you keep me with you and keep up a steady stream of reassurance I'll settle down well enough to actually have an intelligent discussion fairly quickly.

[He nods, thinking it over and. Yeah. Time and alone are different.] I can understand that. Like earlier. I was asking you for time, but I wasn't asking you to go. [And there is a difference. Not having something happening right then is one thing. Not being around was another.]

I won't leave you alone. I'll stay and tell you my feelings over and over. Whatever you need to hear.

Admittedly, I wasn't responding from a thoughtful place before. I was confused and panicking a bit. [ Since it was totally out of the blue and she still doesn't know what the hell happened. And he wasn't being especially clear about what he wanted or where it was coming from, so hearing "it's not you, it's me" would trigger most people's Breakup Impulse. ] Now I know how to handle that, thankfully.

[ Facts and examples, not platitudes. Singing to cool him down. It's very doable. ]

I'm sorry. I wish I could manage the initial response a bit better... it's improving. Since I won't have to be a hatchling again, barring whatever this place might temporarily throw at us, it should get better over time. I'm not sure it'll ever be gone, but things have gotten markedly better since I woke up in Hell.

You don't need to apologize. I have hardly handled things with the most grace myself.

You've told me how to deal with it. I know better and I can help you.

Instincts are a powerful thing and its difficult to leash such impulses. Half of politeness in demon politics is just showing off the ability to be able to hold oneself with decorum for the pleasantries to be performed.

I can offer you as much patience as you offered me.

You've handled things fine, with me. So long as things work out in the long term, I never mind a few short term bumps too much. [ It hurts, but such is life. She's used to pain. ]

But if a time comes when you don't handle things so well, or I don't, it's not the end of the world so long as we don't let it fester.

[HAS HE THOUGH. Today was a trashfire for a while.]

[But he nods and kisses over her mark.] We'll figure it out. I'm not going to stop trying with you. Even if sometimes I need time to sort out how to handle something.

We will.

--Do you still want to eat something, or just rest a while? [ They've probably said enough highly emotional things for one day. Eventually even Saya hits her limit. ]

[He has to consider it for a while, but he also did just sob his heart out and that isn't Great for the appetite.]

Rest for a while.

Can you hand me a waterbottle? [Since he keeps a bunch for throat fire reasons on his nightstand.]

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