forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

I knew it was something like that, even if I didn't know about the costumes until right now. I'm used to status effects. That's why I said "you're going to be back to normal soon enough." But if he really thinks I'm like her... I might have trouble forgiving that.

[ She can't see being fine with anyone seeing her that way. She's worked so hard to overcome her instincts to dominate and destroy, and he still thinks that? Why? She's done nothing to MK. She's done nothing to anyone MK loves. How could he think that? ]

That's why I'm thinking you might be upset with me. If not now, then eventually. I know that no one is more important to you than MK.

[ Attack of the terrible self-esteem ahoy. Yeah, Lady Bone Demon got her good, but that is all Saya. ]

[ Other than that, she will sit quietly and tuck her knees to her chest and wait for his verdict. ]

Don't ask me to rank whose more important. I don't have an answer and trying to find one leads to panic attacks and then me doubling down on things just to try and delude myself. That's why I kept saying I'd choose my parents if they wanted to take over the world again because I thought I HAD to choose. But I didn't know what my heart wanted for certain.

[He opens an eye to look at Saya.] You wouldn't have an answer on whose most important of your paramours, after all. There's a reason I don't ask. I understand how difficult it is to figure out.

But speaking of my villainhood...how much do you think I've changed?

Between the day I met Noodle Boy and today?

I wasn't asking. [ She was stating a fact. There's a difference. She doesn't need any answer because it's obvious. Besides, if she really is like Lady Bone Demon then what is anyone even doing with her? ]

[ Maybe she manipulated them all into this, collected them just to suit her ego. ]

[ Saya buries her face in her folded arms. ] I didn't know you then, so I don't think I have an intelligent answer.

[ And also she's struggling to think of anything except categorizing and obsessing over her faults, but anyway. ]

You're assuming my feelings instead of listening to me.

Not a lot. Not a lot is the answer. You are the one who made the most fundamental personality shift.

My changes otherwise have largely been what happens when there are more people in my life and decisions I make because I care about those people.

Give me a reason, and I'll still burn down a city without an ounce of remorse.

I don't want to be someone who destroys the whole universe, I can admit my heart was never so dark.

But I can and did kill masses of people. I still don't feel guilt for it. I would do so again if not for the fact such actions would hurt people I now care about.

Every act of goodness and charity that is done for people I don't personally care about is done because I think it would make people I do care about happy and because I don't know what to do with myself if I'm idle too long.

Noodle Boy is aware of that fact.

He is surprisingly intuitive of the core of people, regardless of their actions. I finally understood that when he recruited Macaque to fight Wukong. Who, by the way, had been working for the Lady Bone Demon and is remarkable in his own abilities for deception.

...You're right. I'm sorry, I-- I'm a mess. [ She had all her worst fears and insecurities thrown in her face and then was shoved into mourning immediately after. A little latitude, perhaps, might be warranted. ]

[ She is genuinely not sure what Red Son is getting at here. Fine, she had a role in changing him, even though she never asked for or wanted that, fine. The stuff about MK being intuitive really only hurts her more, though. MK, who thinks she's similar to a monster who tortures people for fun. ]

[ Rather than say more she's just going to wait for him to make a point, and so help her if this is about how great MK is when she's asking for help with her deep misery, she's throwing him off the roof. ]

[The shift is actually thinking about what he wants for himself.]

Noodle Boy is terrified of the Lady Bone Demon.

He is not terrified of you.

He loves you. Adores you. More over, he trusts me and Wukong with you without hesitation. Even if you want to convince yourself he's some kind of masochist in associating with you despite whatever he may or may not see, if he ever thought you were a monster, he wouldn't have dragged you to the nest where he was keeping his loved one safe when he was running on instinct.

[ Her mind is awash with grief and fear, it's very hard to admit if Red Son is making sense. More what she's thinking is that this right here is evidence that she can only cause pain to everyone around her. ]

--So you think she just made it up, whole cloth? In the midst of telling the truth about everything else?

[ Saya doesn't buy that for a second. ]

[ You wake. You kill. You suffer and cause suffering. You sleep. You forget. You wake. You kill. Over and over again. ]

[ You, my Queen, have always been a weapon. Someone else's tool. A sword, beautiful, sharp, and deadly, to be controlled and pointed in the direction of their choice. No free will or choice of your own. ]

[ And in the end, you'll be a bloodied weapon again. Alone. Surrounded by nothing but death. ]

[ She considers all that indisputably true. Facts. It doesn't make sense that the Lady Bone Demon would toss in a complete non-sequitur, especially when she knew this would have to be brought up. ]

[ (Part of the problem might be that Saya considers all that mess to be accurate.) ]

I think you should ask Noodle Boy about it because regardless whether or not she made it up?

She was going to present it in the absolute worst way possible. There is no doubt about that fact.

But again, the traitor example. She will throw in an utter lie amongst truths. And even the truths we do know about, she presented in the worst way possible.

Noodle Boy is the ultimately the only one who can say for sure what he thinks in regards to similarities.

But as the first villain he decided to give a chance after not having trust for, for months?

Being a monster does not mean every part of that being is without positive traits. To say she had nothing worth admiration is a mistake. The reason the Lady Bone Demon was a monster is because she believed she had the right to remake the world and no one else's thoughts mattered.

[ She makes a sound that is ultimately indecipherable. ]

I don't know if I can. Not anytime soon. Between losing Venti and the home he promised me, having dreams about everyone I killed and lost except Haji and wondering why even his memory seems to be kept from me, trying to deal with all the rest of my instincts as they scream at me and being apart from you, and now this--

[ She needs. A minute. ]

[He reaches over to take her hand, bringing it up to kiss the back of it.]

Take all the time you need. I have a list of recruits to head off the spiraling. Don't rush yourself until you can handle the conversation.

I'm here for you and if you need me, if you want it to be me, I got monkeys I can call to watch him. [Because he is likely spiraling too, but Saya is the one who had ALL her issues thrown in her face. MK has misplaced guilt for mindfuckery.]

[ She clings to his hand like it's the only thing anchoring her to this world. It might hurt a little. ]

I want it to be you. I'm just also feeling like everything I touch rots in my hands. Like I tempted fate by being so happy.

[ Red Son knows her past, the pain she was always in, blamed herself for. Lady Bone Demon hit it right on the head that she feels destined to always bring about that pain, over and over. ]

The dreams were endless. Everyone I lost, everyone I killed. Diva demanding to know why I couldn't show her mercy. Riku pleading with me not to leave him. My father turning in front of my eyes while he begged me to kill him. And a big blank spot where Haji should have been, which was almost worse.

And so many that I don't even remember. All wanting to know why I killed them. All saying they loved me, wondering why I didn't love them back.

I may not know for certain what MK thinks, but everything else the Lady Bone Demon said to me was completely true.

Okay. [Once there's a lull, he'll text Wukong and Macaque to get to MK, but he's focusing on Saya for now.]

She certainly has a way of making it sound like that, doesn't she? It's why she's so terrifying. She had this way about her, says just enough of what you believe in your heart of hearts that it feels impossible to deny anything else.

She says the things you want to hear. What the darkest parts of your mind want to hear.

[ She tires to wipe her tears away and is marginally successful, and decides to just pretend she's not crying for now. ]

My point exactly. If it was easily dismissed, she wouldn't bother.

Which is why I'm convinced there has to be some truth to MK thinking I'm like her. I just -- can't see how that could be a good thing.

Because you see what she did. Not what she was like.

While there may have been truth in what she said, it was extremes and partial truths, even in the truths you believe in your heart.

[His other hand reaches out, moving over her heart.]

[And then there's the warmth as he pulls out the dart and chain.]

Do you believe this will only ever cause suffering and pain and bloodshed?

Do you believe the glaive I will make you will only cause suffering?

Do you believe his staff will only cause suffering?

I made that point to her. That if I'm a weapon at least I'm being wielded by those I trust, now.

...But it's different. An inanimate tool versus a being with the nature that I have.

When Wukong used his vision to look at me, search for the reason for my berserk episodes, he said that was my true nature. The control I use to hold off those rampages is just a veneer. It can be broken -- it has been.

That complicates the analogy.

...not as much as you think.

After I kidnapped Wukong's monk, he had to find me.

He found me by turning into a kaiju, going on a rampage, and terrifying all the minor gods and spirits on the mountain I was terrorizing.

He went on a rampage.

To scare out the entities.

I had been terrorizing with the Samadhi Fire.

Unless Wukong was being cruel, I would assume he was more thinking on how strong your instincts are, how you are a predator. Like he is. Like demons are.

--It's not a rampage if it has purpose, if it's being brought out on purpose and stopped once it's achieved that purpose.

I slaughtered infants in their mothers arms. I ran down screaming people and hacked them into bits. It's not the same.

And Wukong has done berserk rages of that vein. That was after centuries of physically enforced character development.

The point is, you're assuming what he sees and thinks.

Without accounting for the context he has. The context of intimately understanding what its like to have that kind of destructive rage as a part of one's self.

[ She opens her mouth, sighs, and considers this for a second. ]

Can you just hold me for a while and tell me you're sorry? I'm never going to be talked out of feeling bad about my massacres or what I did while under the thumb of evil people and it's probably pointless to try.

[Oh.]

[Well.]

[Yes, after a momentary pause as he remembers the 'basic empathy things they do in shows' is also a thing.]

[But he will do as she says, banishing the weapon, and is going to let go of her hand to pull her in close.]

I wasn't saying you shouldn't feel bad about your massacres. I'm saying have more faith in Wukong that when he looked at you, he wasn't seeing a monster when he said that.

I'm sorry you're hurting. That you had to go through all that.

I'm sorry you had to deal with her.

I'm sorry you were hurt by your friend.

[ She burrows against him. Even though she had to give him a checklist, it's appreciated. ]

Thank you. That helps.

...I'm sorry you had to watch me strike and say awful things to him. I lost it a little.

[He's still figuring out how to empathize well.]

I know. But I'm not upset at you.

I can't say I won't be if you don't try to work things out with him after you've had time to recover, just like I'll be upset with him if he decides to bolt from the conversation. However, I have faith your love for each other will win out, its just how much stupidity there might be along the way.

But I understand. Even if the Lady Bone Demon has admirable traits, she chooses to use those traits as a mean to hurt people, instead of protecting and helping them. Its only natural to defend yourself.

Edited 2023-10-18 21:14 (UTC)

[ She's not quite sure why she has to be the one to try... but then she did say to stay away from her, one could hardly fault MK for respecting what she said her wishes were, even if she did say it at a moment of extreme distress. ]

[ It's fair enough. She has to try when she's ready. For Red Son's sake, and Wukong's, and MK's, and her own. She learned from the recent mess with Yuri that nothing works out when she avoids the heart of the matter. ]

I'll find him when I'm ready. But I want it to be just us. [ If they're going to work things out, it can't be because Red Son is there willing it into existence. ]

If he really does think I'm similar to her, I can't promise a good result. But I'll try.

[Yeah, kind of that whole thing. MK is clearly extremely sensitive to rejection. Red Son figures its fifty/fifty on his rejection sensitivity winning out against his dogged determination to be friends with people despite their overt rejections. He'd usually say the latter, but MK also probably understood on some level that Red Son was full of it and it didn't really involve anything of MK as like. A person. Or something he could blame himself for.]

[So Saya needs a push and if MK bolts, he'll push him too.]

All right. Just keep in mind, you and him are very similar.

[After she pointed it out, its been really easy to find the evidence of that.]

[There is a pause.]

Do you want a test drive because I have an answer to your original question. [His hold tightens on her.]

Edited 2023-10-18 21:28 (UTC)

I know. [ She's not an idiot. The fact that she pointed it out in the first place makes it a known quantity. ] I'm not going to go in there out of obligation to you or in a halfhearted way. I'll do it because holding myself back from people hurts, because he's my friend and I want an explanation [ and an apology wouldn't be amiss even if he was influenced by the costume, she'll n turn apologize for going scorched earth on him ].

Much as I don't especially want to hear a list of my faults right now, I suppose it'll help steel me for it. Go on.

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