forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

[Oh.]

[Well.]

[Yes, after a momentary pause as he remembers the 'basic empathy things they do in shows' is also a thing.]

[But he will do as she says, banishing the weapon, and is going to let go of her hand to pull her in close.]

I wasn't saying you shouldn't feel bad about your massacres. I'm saying have more faith in Wukong that when he looked at you, he wasn't seeing a monster when he said that.

I'm sorry you're hurting. That you had to go through all that.

I'm sorry you had to deal with her.

I'm sorry you were hurt by your friend.

[ She burrows against him. Even though she had to give him a checklist, it's appreciated. ]

Thank you. That helps.

...I'm sorry you had to watch me strike and say awful things to him. I lost it a little.

[He's still figuring out how to empathize well.]

I know. But I'm not upset at you.

I can't say I won't be if you don't try to work things out with him after you've had time to recover, just like I'll be upset with him if he decides to bolt from the conversation. However, I have faith your love for each other will win out, its just how much stupidity there might be along the way.

But I understand. Even if the Lady Bone Demon has admirable traits, she chooses to use those traits as a mean to hurt people, instead of protecting and helping them. Its only natural to defend yourself.

Edited 2023-10-18 21:14 (UTC)

[ She's not quite sure why she has to be the one to try... but then she did say to stay away from her, one could hardly fault MK for respecting what she said her wishes were, even if she did say it at a moment of extreme distress. ]

[ It's fair enough. She has to try when she's ready. For Red Son's sake, and Wukong's, and MK's, and her own. She learned from the recent mess with Yuri that nothing works out when she avoids the heart of the matter. ]

I'll find him when I'm ready. But I want it to be just us. [ If they're going to work things out, it can't be because Red Son is there willing it into existence. ]

If he really does think I'm similar to her, I can't promise a good result. But I'll try.

[Yeah, kind of that whole thing. MK is clearly extremely sensitive to rejection. Red Son figures its fifty/fifty on his rejection sensitivity winning out against his dogged determination to be friends with people despite their overt rejections. He'd usually say the latter, but MK also probably understood on some level that Red Son was full of it and it didn't really involve anything of MK as like. A person. Or something he could blame himself for.]

[So Saya needs a push and if MK bolts, he'll push him too.]

All right. Just keep in mind, you and him are very similar.

[After she pointed it out, its been really easy to find the evidence of that.]

[There is a pause.]

Do you want a test drive because I have an answer to your original question. [His hold tightens on her.]

Edited 2023-10-18 21:28 (UTC)

I know. [ She's not an idiot. The fact that she pointed it out in the first place makes it a known quantity. ] I'm not going to go in there out of obligation to you or in a halfhearted way. I'll do it because holding myself back from people hurts, because he's my friend and I want an explanation [ and an apology wouldn't be amiss even if he was influenced by the costume, she'll n turn apologize for going scorched earth on him ].

Much as I don't especially want to hear a list of my faults right now, I suppose it'll help steel me for it. Go on.

I know. My faith in you two working it out isn't based on what I think I can do to influence you two, its that you both love each other. [He'd just shake you two if you went self defeatist on yourselves which is the REAL concern for it not working out.]

Well, the first thing that truly sticks out that the Noodle Boy might have noticed....

When you want to give up, you go incredibly extreme.

The Lady Bone Demon wanted to save the world. Told herself it was her destiny to end all suffering. But you can't end all suffering, that isn't how life works. She couldn't accept a partial victory. She couldn't accept a better than it was. It was all or nothing.

When you want to give up, you want to self implode. You want to isolate, you wash away all perception of the good things about yourself, you decide you're only a bad thing.

When she wanted to give up, she decided that existence itself was bad and wanted to wash away everything good in an effort to be rid of the bad. She refused to ever think whatever good she might have done once upon a time was worth the bad.

[AND CONSIDERING HOW MK IS]

[Potentially a thing he noticed.]

[ Saya draws a slow breath before doing anything else. It's impossible to tell what she thinks of that. ]

And? [ He said "first" so there's probably more. ]

The other use of a weapon.

You are apt at finding that emotion that overwhelms and sticks in a person's mind until they have to do something about it.

Sometimes that's knowing what will go for the throat. Other times, its making your partner bawl on you for twenty minutes.

You are an iron will.

You have a dominating, regal air if Noodle Boy has ever gotten to see you act as a queen.

When you decide you are in control, it is incredibly difficult to think you're not.

[ It's a little more evident that she doesn't love that one, but she won't argue the point. ]

Anything else?

Nothing that I can think of.

What I mean by other use of a weapon is she used those traits to hurt people. Largely, you're either neutral or protective with those traits.

Not always. There's a reason I told MK that I wouldn't forgive him. I knew that when he was back to himself, that would eat at him.

I don't think you're wrong, I just don't like that about myself.

That's why I said largely.

[He reaches for her hand, pressing her palm to the back of her hand, and holding up their hands together. Allowing for fire to form above her palm.]

Even when you use a weapon to protect, eventually you will have to cut someone down. Anything that is strong enough to protect has to be able to hurt. Even a shield will buckle if the threat is not removed.

And I know, there are parts of yourself you hate.

But I think its important to remember we don't.

Edited 2023-10-18 22:27 (UTC)

I used a weapon containing a piece of the father I killed to systematically destroy my entire species. I think I'm familiar with that lesson. [ It's a gentle reminder, not a defiant retort. ]

...But...

Your point is well taken.

I'm glad you don't. But we always accept the flaws in those we love more easily than those in ourselves. And I've only been awake eighteen months. [ That is not a lot of time to go from no personality and no memories to complete acceptance of her truly horrifying past. ]

Thank you for being patient with me.

I know. [Its meant as a reminder he doesn't brush away the darker parts of herself. To say she protects isn't pretending she couldn't be a force of nature if she so chose.]

I'll always be patient for you. That's part of love. [He closes their hands over the flame, putting it out and bringing her hand to his mouth to kiss the palm of it.]

And it is easier to accept our people's flaws over ours. Though other than my first point about you and her. [He's not going to say he's happy about her whole self destructive inclinations.] I don't think the rest is really a flaw.

They're personality traits. Traits that I, personally, am very attracted to, for the record.

Since you don't use them to try and utterly destroy me mentally. Bawling on you for twenty minutes from love aside.

[ "Always" is a BIG WORD are you sure you don't want to soften that up a little ]

Even my self-destructiveness has purpose. I was tired of seeing everyone around me die. But I had to keep going with the war, because there was no one else. So. [ She isolated herself. It wasn't pretty, but it protected her. ]

That doesn't mean I like it. Most of my habits weren't formed in healthy ways. I didn't know anything about a respectful and caring relationship in any sense of the word until Yuri. [ Which is, again, 18 months old. ]

I don't mind you crying on me, as I said. Strong emotions aren't a bad thing. It's the only way to walk through the doubts. [ She might have only been awake 18 months but she's taken every lesson she learned in that time to heart, as well as those from her memories. ]

The first time Kantera told me he loved me, I was under a gullibility compulsion. He had to do it then because I wouldn't have believed him any other time. I fought it with everything in me.

[NOPE, HE'S GONNA OFFER HER ALL THE PATIENCE IN THE WORLD. She's been patient for a lot of his stupidity, so he is going to do his best.]

Even if it has a purpose, I will still wish for you to go the path where you can be happy over trying to self destruct. That is the only thing I'm going to agree that you share with her that is a definite flaw.

[Because he knows what it takes to want to destroy literally everything and it is inherently self destructive.]

[He wraps his arm around her again, kissing the top of her head.]

Its hard to believe when you have the negative voices. That's why I'm telling you now that you are someone worth loving. You are someone worth admiring. Being like someone isn't damning. If you acted like her, then it would be a problem.

But then the Noodle Boy would be afraid of you.

But he has only ever expressed love for you. Even in his worst mindsets, barring this literal mind control, all he says about you are good things. Even when the Weremonkey might have felt aggression towards you, it was because he saw you as a better mate for me. If he sees those similarities, its an awareness that evil does not mean a whole absence of anything good.

Which his track record proves he's quite good at recognizing.

I love you. Wukong loves you.

MK loves you.

We're the ones who know the Lady Bone Demon and know you.

Try and trust our feelings for you, over the words of a phantom?

I am happy. Overall, I mean, not at this exact second. [ Too much awful has happened in the last handful of days. ] I will be again soon.

Working this out will be a good start, and you're giving me good reasons to get on with that.

[ She leans against him. ] I can't believe those things entirely just yet, but I'm starting to. And now I don't have to be reset, so I'll get there.

[ She does freeze when he says "Wukong loves you" because that sure isn't something he's comfortable saying. He must really want her to be okay. ]

[ Her expression softens and she kisses his cheek. ] I'll try.

I know. And I'm glad you are overall. [But those dark voices are also still There.]

[He hugs her close, forehead pressed to the top of her head.] Things take time. What's important is you're still walking forward.

[He really is not comfortable saying it. But he also has had enough of a peek behind the curtain that is Wukong to understand if he values Saya as much as he seems to, its because she's gotten to him in the same way MK had. He knows its truth. And Wukong, out of all them, knew the Lady Bone Demon best. Still hated her, feared her if he had gone for the fire over just fighting her, and still recognized Saya was different if he ever noticed anything as being similar.]

That's all I ask. If you need a reminder, I'll tell you again. We all agree you're someone worth loving.

[His hand moves up to her cheek, leaning in to kiss her briefly.] Take time. Let the wound close. Its okay to let yourself recover in your own time.

I am. And really, Venti would be angry if I didn't keep that up.

...Teyvat is really beautiful. I'm mourning that almost as much, the home he promised me. That was the first time I started having any real hope for a future.

[ And yes she knows Red Son also offered her a home, and she's happy about that too, but she's so aware right now that it too could be taken away. He could be gone in an hour and she'd never see him again. ]

I have a lot of wounds that need to close, and I've found that they never quite do all the way until you get up and get moving. So I will... soon. I just need to get through the worst of it.

...is there anyone else from his world here? [She can probably already guess his offer. He figures he should at least ask. There was a potential work around. It didn't solve things now.]

[But maybe later. Later.]

[He offered his home, but he understands the pain of a lost home very well.]

[He hums and nods, pressing a kiss to her forehead and pulling her close. Resting her head on his chest.] Okay. I'll be here as long as you want me.

Not now, okay? I need some time with this before any problem-solving. I appreciate the offer, I'll ask if I decide to consider it.

But right now I can't stand the thought of looking into his eyes and him not knowing me.

[ She leans against his chest. She can hear his heartbeat from miles off if she tries, but here she can feel it too. ]

I mean, I want you around forever. Not what you meant, I know...

Okay. [There is another kiss to the top of her head.] No problem solving. Only comfort right now.

It is nice to hear. [Especially after having to be away from her these past few weeks.] I want you around too.

I love you.

Thank you. I love you too.

--I had plans for when we saw each other in person again. I hate that it ended up being this.

Do you want to talk about it, or just surprise me later?

Re: post-masquerade

sangreine - 2023-10-19 04:31 (UTC) - Expand

Re: post-masquerade

forgingfires - 2023-10-19 04:38 (UTC) - Expand