forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

[ Saya goes quiet for a moment, perhaps tellingly. She's not eager to have back 50-odd years of imprisonment, especially knowing what happened to her sister during all that time. But she can't probably pick and choose, if it's all or nothing she'll gladly take all. ]

That won't overwhelm me? Getting so much crammed into my head at once? I might have been alive for five millennia, granted most of it was spent hibernating.

If you say it's the only option, then I'll take it regardless, I just want to be prepared. And prepare those around me, just in case there's a side effect. I still have no idea what sets of my rampages, but I can imagine something so intense might be a good candidate. [ She's dead on accurate here, though she doesn't know it. Information retained subconsciously. It's what made her so hesitant to purchase memories... that and the aforementioned fact that they're all traumatic. ]

Its unfortunately not an exact science. Reincarnation is not something anyone can control, only effect the odds of certain outcomes, and that includes what is and is not retained. Usually if anyone is looking for information on a past life, its just to know everything that happens for a general curiosity, or because they want something specific, but since its difficult to say if that specific thing was retained, the approach is usually to try and get as much back as possible.

Now its no guarantee it will all come back at once. There's been many times where people had to meditate and go through multiple sessions to retrieve all their memories.

But there have been times where it does all come back at once and it can be overwhelming.

I have been pondering the idea if I could try to mitigate it somewhat, because it is a lot to remember. Part of how the magic works is that it plucks at the threads a person has outside of their body. That's why bonds are usually the easiest to retrieve, that is a thread to another soul, so its the easiest thing to get a reaction from, and I can make myself aware of those kind of connections. That is part of why I was able to create the Samadhi fire. That is just very much a trial by fire experiment.

[ Everything inside her is screaming no, please no. She doesn't want her past back, she only wants to keep her present. But again, if it's all or nothing... ]

[ Because that scares her, she focuses on the good of it. How much Red Son is doing for her. That there might be hope if she does fall asleep. ]

So much effort. And on the part of so many. I don't know if I'm worth all of it.

[ Normally she wouldn't say that out loud, but she's emotionally exhausted. It just slips out. ]

[There is]

[Several long beats of silence at that.]

[Before Red Son turns away from the tea to look at her directly.]

I'm not a good person. I first agreed to help you because of pity and because I knew I would need a project to keep myself sane whenever I hit a block for returning home. Ultimately, I could have gotten home with it unfinished and not given it a second thought at first.

The promise to return is because I'm invested in you.

I wouldn't invest myself in someone if they weren't worth it.

Edited 2023-04-25 23:30 (UTC)

[ And there's a short stretch of silence on her end, too. She hadn't expected him to be so upfront, given how he tends to be about these matters. And, because she's emotional and he's been so wonderful, she again speaks without thinking. ]

...Invested how? What is this, to you? What do you want it to be?

I know you can't answer that right now. I'm not asking you to. You need time, I get that. But I need to know at soon as you can muster an answer. Because I don't...

[ she hesitates. This might burn the kitchen down. ]

I don't want to let myself fall for you all the way if you don't want that. [ She's implying a degree of control here, and that's a bit accurate. She can stick to boundaries, but she has to know where they are. ]

[That's the beauty of the word 'invested.' Invested could range from a simple alliance to being madly in love and he doesn't have to address what that exact feeling is because doing THAT part is incredibly difficult. He can peg down invested, there is only so much effort he can put into something and not recognize he's become invested in the outcome.]

[And for all he is a mess of insecurity and self doubt, part of why those feelings are so strong is because he believes his goals are worth doing. They're worth doing right. They're important. At the very least, he will not accept his judgement in that being questioned.]

[Its why he doesn't even let the statement make it a question of what he thinks. As far as he's concerned, its a fact she's worth it.]

[He had been focused on that fact and it made the words easy.]

[He isn't ready for clarification beyond that.]

[He looks caught off guard again.]

[He does have a measure of control in his reaction, because its not such a weird question to ask. Relationships are complicated things, so that on its own isn't enough to really hit him hard.]

[Its when 'fall for you' that it hits like a truck, making him jerk back, hair coming alight.]

[The idea is]

[Ridiculous to truly ponder because its]

[Even if he's got an interest in romance, believing someone wants him is another thing.]

[He's a failure. A disappointment. A shame to his family. She appreciates his ability to not give up on helping her, but that's because he fully expects failure to help, because that is what he is. He will fail a thousand times, but even a broken clock is right twice. He will find a solution simply by refusing to give up.]

[Who wants that?]

[Except she should know that from the haunted house. Maybe she doesn't believe it, maybe she has to see it, and that is a terrifying prospect, to be seen as lacking as he is-]

[She may even dismiss it, if he manages the nerve to be honest on that point. That his confidence comes from experience of getting there, not faith in getting there.]

[But there is a truth that he]

[Can't deny.]

[Not if someone was falling in love with him, not with how much its clear she's burdened by those who have died because of her-]

I'm a world destroyer.

[ The trouble with that argument is that she doesn't see him that way. It's not that she's at all naïve to what he is, but it's not despite that that she feels the way she does. Would be able to feel more, so easily. ]

And I'm a weapon. You don't shy away from my destruction. Why would I shy away from yours?

[ She's burdened by what happened when she was out of control. She did plenty of awful things when she was in control that bother her far less. She hated what she did because it wasn't fair, Diva didn't choose to be what she was. Saya has much less guilt about murdering those who had it coming. ]

This isn't me putting on rose-colored glasses. I see you as you are. I accept you as you are. And I'd love you as you are, if that's what you want. If you'll let me.

If it isn't, I'll accept that part of you, too.

You're a predator, not a weapon. A weapon doesn't make choices, doesn't feel guilt, but you do!

And you don't see what I'm saying. You don't see...see the destiny- [He says the word like its a vile thing, practically spat out] that sticks to me like tar.

When I say nothing is immune to the Samadhi fire, I mean it. It kills what can't be killed by anything else. It can burn a hole through reality itself.

And I made it as a child. It had to be removed because I couldn't control it. I killed people who didn't deserve it. I hurt my parents. My father had to go to the sworn brother who abandoned him and my mother had to go to the people she left behind for my father because they couldn't keep me contained. If it wasn't removed, I was going to destroy everything on my own.

And then...

I was the reason the Lady Bone Demon was released.

I found the key to her tomb.

I was the one to retrieve it.

I released her and she used my father for a foothold and once she was done with him, she found out about the Samadhi Fire, that it existed, and she was going to use it to burn the entire universe down to remake it from a clean slate.

The only reason she had the ability to even get close to her goal was because of me.

If Mei's will had been even a little weaker....

Everything would have been gone.

Because of the fire I created.

Because of the monster I released.

[ She listens to all of it. Intently. Because it's important to him, and she wasn't lying or exaggerating or being overly kind when she said that what matters to him matters to her. ]

[ But the fact remains that she isn't surprised by anything she's hearing. That fire could destroy everything, but Red Son also used it to protect her. Selfishness, selflessness. ]

And you think that should convince me to keep my distance. [ It's obvious what he's doing. She does see what he's saying. ]

Do you want me to keep my distance, or is that what you think I should do for my own good? One of those reasons I'll accept as valid. The other seems like it should be my decision. I know you respect me, and you care about me on some level. So shouldn't it be my choice whether it's a risk I want to take?

I'm saying it because you're someone who cares about people you don't even know!

Because you're kind! Because you feel terribly for people you don't even kill directly!

Because you question your worth for sins you wouldn't choose to commit as this you!

And I'm someone who keeps endangering the world, who hesitates to do anything about it until it threatens something personal, because I knew the Lady Bone Demon wasn't gone, I knew and I just let it go because it was no longer my problem!

But because I do something about it when I realize that the problem is going to come for me and mine, I have-I have those idiots saying I'm a hero and trying to befriend me and act like I'm better than I am, but I'm not.

People keep thinking I'm kind and good and being that involved with me is only going to hurt you.

You can't think I'm that deluded. Not with the dark side I have, instincts that want me to possess and destroy everyone around me. But what you see in me is kindness and caring.

Is there anything in that book I gave you that would change those opinions? Would what I've done, the endless list of lives I took with my bare hands, in full control of myself, convince you that I'm not worth your time and efforts?

Because that possibility scares the hell out of me. [ Not just with him, with everyone. And it's the same thing as what he's saying, essentially. She can't kill reality in one fell swoop but she can, and has, done plenty of damage in a far more hands on way. Plenty of it out of selfishness and ignorance. ]

I hear you. You're dangerous. You're selfish. You could end worlds and realities carelessly.

And yet here you are, trying to protect me. Helping me. Telling me I'm worth your time and efforts. Promising to come back for me. That's all as much a part of you as the rest of it. Just as the kindness and care I've shown you are as real as the massacres.

[ She makes her way over to him, because having this conversation at a distance goes against everything in her. ] And none of that answers my question about what you want. What you're telling me is why you can't have it.

Of course there is nothing in that book will change my mind, I'm not a good person.

[He sighs, leaning back against the counter, a hand over his face.] I know you're dangerous. I know you're a predator. I accept that, I'm very much attracted to that. But we are more than instincts. We are also the choices we make.

[He lowers his hand and there is something]

[Tired to him.]

When I say I'm not a good person, its not a statement born of guilt or regret, just a statement of fact. If I thought it was worth it, I would hurt countless people. Morals aren't why I'm not slaughtering people, I just simply don't see why I should waste my efforts for such things for no gain and likely a lot of trouble.

You, meanwhile...you will tell people to not inconvenience themselves in saving your very sense of self. Are you a good person? I don't know, that isn't a judgement for me to make, but you are someone who desperately wants to choose good.

I'm not saying I'm incapable of good. I'm not so naive as to think the world is that black and white. I just know that while I mean my word, while I can do good...its because I'm getting something out of it.

Even if its just helping someone that I, personally, am invested in. If I had managed to remain indifferent to you, I would not have been so kind.

I'm not someone who will choose good as desperately as you. I will do bad things, by choice, without guilt. I'm the villain in the story of my world and that will not change. Because I love my parents and I will always choose them over the world, so even if I started to change, even if I wanted something different...

I know that I'm not going to choose good like you do.

Like the Dragon Girl or Noodle Boy do.

And at some point, that will be a problem.

You're making assumptions that aren't accurate. [ Saya's voice is lower, now. Not regretful, it's just that she doesn't discuss this. She never had anyone who might really listen instead of busting out with reassurances that ignore the salient point. Talking over her, basically. ]

Do you know what I thought when you said I'd be prized in demon society? I thought, 'what if I was? What if there was somewhere I could relax and let myself be what I am?' If you could look inside my head, feel what I feel, you'd know that I only barely fight back that dark side. That I'm exhausted by it. It's what I always felt I had to to do be accepted, not to be alone.

You're the first person who I thought might accept that side of me. Others pay it lipservice, but it's something they tell me I'm above. They don't have a clue.

[ She takes a slow step closer. Reaches up to brush his cheek with her fingertips. ]

If it's a problem at some point, then it'll be a problem. If I know anything it's that there are no guarantees. But I'm tired of having regrets. And I'm tired of being half a person.

If you don't want to be closer to me, that's different. Of course I'll accept that. But you haven't said that.

[He imagines it would be exhausting. Its been exhausting here, because even if he's not as violent as some demons, he's not without aggression. More than once he's just wanted to take, to be rid of a best getting under his skin, a million little inconveniences he's been more tolerant of here than back home simply because he understands the consequences of a bad reputation.]

[Had felt it a little at home, the times he agreed to one of Mei's proposed hang outs, but it had also been...easier those times, with her to distract him.]

[The worst impulses he's never had to resist, never had that push yet here or after the Lady Bone Demon. Back home, he was always free to...indulge the impulse.]

[But even if that was all true of Saya, the fact still was that she viewed his 'inconvenience' as having more worth than her literal life and that did say something deep about her character. That is the part that is frightening. The part that will one day be disgusted with what he's willing to do when given reasons.]

[But even if he points it out, she's not interested in what ifs and destiny and all those scenarios he is sure he's going to want and for all he's known her a short time, he knows that she isn't one to change her mind so easily. She wants HIS answer, not his fears and worries and concerns.]

[And that, unfortunately, is a clear answer.]

[Not in WHAT he wants. That is too big and nebulous and new for him to say.]

[But the moment she touches him, her breathes in sharply, eyes closing, the buzz of electricity, the warmth in his chest.]

.....you're unfair.

Its in my nature to be selfish. To take and have and keep, even if I don't know why-

[ He doesn't shrug her off, and so she steps closer. Lifts her other hand to brush over his shoulder to rest at the back of his neck. ]

It's my nature, too. [ It's why she's pressing, however gently she's doing it. The gentleness is a matter of respect, not obeying what she wants. That would be a good deal more insistent. ]

I'm saying you can keep me, if that's what you want. What exactly that means, I can't say, but...

[ She couldn't be only his, at least not for now (there's a voice in the back of her head wondering whether she'll still be married in a few months, but it's not up to her). But based on the way he speaks about the one he calls Dragon Girl, she has a feeling the feeling is fairly mutual, or would be once Red Son figures things out there. ]

[ Saya slowly encroaches on his space, rests her forehead against him. Heats her skin so she feels warm to him. ]

Just think about it, hm? A connection this strong is rare in my life. I couldn't turn my back on it without at least trying.

[There's a hard shiver as she gets closer, at the feeling of the possessive hand at his neck. That feeling of someone wanting to claim him, that he could push back, was invited to claim her back, it hits something deep inside.]

[He doesn't know what it means, what he wants to pursue, he can't be sure what he can commit to. How much are these feelings he wants to pursue, and how much is it just getting caught in the feelings of being]

[Being wanted.]

[But he liked he. He liked being wanted. That someone would want to keep him.]

[Those feelings are too important for him to agree to anything without thinking about it however.]

[He raises his hand, freezes midair, and then moves to cover hers, eyes closed tightly.]

I...

I'll think about it.

I need to think about it.

I know. [ She anticipated that he'd need time. As much as waiting isn't her favorite thing, that too is a matter of respect. Normally she'd be rather demanding about it, but the fact that she isn't speaks to why a closer connection is something she wants. ]

[ But if he doesn't... ] If you'd rather stay as we are, it's okay. It's much easier if I know where that line is, that's all. [ She's quite good at putting her feelings for someone aside. She did it for two hundred years. ]

I'll take whatever of you that you're willing to offer.

[ Abruptly, her mood turns jovial again, though she doesn't move away even slightly. ]

I'm not going to stop the flirting, though. You'll have to live with it.

You make it sound so easy when you say it like that.

[His hand squeezes hers briefly.]

I....

This is new. This is very new, I've never had to think about it. [He needs time. He needs to figure out what he feels. Because that is...always a time.]

But I'll have an answer. As soon as I can.

[There is another flash of fire at that last sentence.]

I-well-t-that's fine.

[ She laughs softly, still against him. ]

It's not easy, but I can do it. I've done it before. Sometimes the timing is just never right. [ Until it suddenly is because you're given a violent shove into getting out of your own way, and then they die ten minutes later. That's why she doesn't wait on these things anymore. ]

Good.

And on a totally separate subject... everything you've done since I got here. [ She means about the gem and her feelings about such, not the excuses and assumptions about her which she possibly would have been insulted by if he hadn't dropped it. She'd be quite put out if he of all people thought of her as nothing but goodness and light. She expects that of mortals. ]

[ Since he's already burning, she shifts to give him a kiss. This is Chiropteran Queen for Thank You. ]

[At least she will never have to worry about her being all goodness and light. He isn't that naive, but he also recognizes there are degrees. Degrees of what darkness and what light a person wants to embrace in their life. Like he has chosen to be a villain, sure, but he also knows he has lines he simply will never cross, no matter the reason.]

[Well, maybe no matter the reason, it is hard to say no to his parents, but at least they would be things he pushes back against, so it really comes down to what gives, his morals or his parents insistence on a plan of action that would be difficult for him on such a level.]

[The real question is are their lines compatible. Will he cross hers, will she cross his, that was the real question.]

Timing is...definitely a problem. Even with all the time in the world, it can be difficult.

[At least that's true. Eternity is a long time, but everyone has their own eternity.]

Everything...I've done since I got here?

[ When/if it does come down to a conflict between them, about where they draw those lines, he'll learn quickly that her views about herself are not ones she holds true for others. Something she wouldn't forgive in her actions, she'd forgive in his. Even understand and appreciate. ]

Timing can be... rough. That's why I don't sit on these things. Not anymore. [ She tries to keep her tone, but it comes out rather... burdened. She said several times that she's tired of regrets, so he shouldn't be too surprised. ]

[ His question does cause her tone to veer back toward the lighter end, though. ]

I meant everything since I got here today. But overall you have been quite pleasant for me to be around, at least.

And it's not just anyone who can at least give some understanding of what it's like for me with my Chevaliers. Most are more inclined to judge it. Even Kantera. [ Her husband may not be mortal but that's a technicality, he thinks and reacts like one. ]

[That's true. At least for Red Son, there are not many in ways of regrets beyond his failures to help his father and by extension his mother. It makes for a very focused existence.]

[But its clear Saya has a lot she regrets. He supposed that does explain why she comes on so strong. He's just so wholly unused to it. Even Mei and MK only hit him intermittently since he's not always there for them to target for friendship.]

Judge-? [He looks surprised and frowns.] Just because of the formation of the emotional attachment?

That doesn't take away the pain you've suffered. It doesn't take away how far he went for love.

He deserves respect and you deserve comfort.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/?

2/?

3/4

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject