forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

Yes, but that's why you setting the pace is important to me.

[He sighs, and lets his body rise in temperature a bit more. To keep Macaque warm because who knows what his internal temperature is with alcohol that actually hits hard.]

It'll mean more if you're not drunk. Does that sound better?

[ The warmth is nice. He shifts closer. ]

And I appreciate the consideration. Really. But I've had enough of chasing after people. [ So if you're going to let him set the pace at least be prepared to match it. ]

I can accept that. Last thing I need is you forever wondering.

...I can understand that. [But still. He's drunk and vulnerable and he refuses to hurt him by letting his heart decide to go too far.]

Just needs to be a sober pace. [He wraps their tails around Macaque's middle, letting warm hands run up and down his spine slowly.]

I don't get drunk that often. It's usually too much time and effort for not much reward. [ Being slightly tipsy is fun. Being smashed is for bad stuff. ]

Although we'll see how things go with MK, maybe I'll make it more of a habit if I can't fix things.

You'll figure it out. You want to, and I know he wants to. Plus then you'd probably have to start gathering your own supply, she is going to notice eventually.

I know you haven't talked to him yet if you're sure he wants to. He told me to fuck off, hit me, and then said he was pushing me away and doesn't need me anymore. Before that he tried to say that I didn't care about him a thousand times. [ Slight drunken exaggeration. ] Like he thought I was just lying when I said I did. I did say one nasty thing but that was at the very end, after he hit me, the rest was trying to reassure him and asking him what he wanted and asking what happened to being patient with me.

--I'm not going to steal her entire supply, I'll just get my own if it becomes a problem. [ He can do sexual favors for Evangeline as well as Saya can. ] I needed this quickly so I did what I had to. She won't even notice.

That is what we call self destructive behavior for one Noodle Boy. [He pauses. And hum.]

[Maybe he should have MK talk to Saya about self destructing on relationships. They are similar, but Saya has a lot more self awareness going on about it.]

If you need to wallow and be sad right now, that's okay, just know I'm going to say otherwise if you want to believe its true for too long.

Hm, just saying. [Another kiss around his ears.] You can call me too.

It might be self-destructive, but that doesn't mean he didn't mean it.

[ In fairness, Saya has a lot more experience than any of the LMKs. ]

Well. We'll see how I feel in the morning. Or after the limiter is off that pendant, I guess, since I'm not going to let this distract me. That was why I picked today to talk to him, thinking there was no way it could get worse. Boy was that misguided.

[ He nuzzles at Red Son's hair some more. ] Call you to get drunk with? I wasn't trying to put you in the middle, like I said. Failed at that too, I guess.

There are a lot of anger, bitter things you can say and mean, but they're not the things you want. [Anger, Red Son knew.]

Pigeon Girl first. Then the other messy stuff.

Yes, get drunk with. Or find some other outlet. Either way, you shouldn't be alone in this state. And I asked, because I want to help you both be happy.

But that still doesn't mean it's fixable. I really don't know what he wants from me, and he said he doesn't know either, so I'm not sure how any progress can be made.

--Don't you even think about intervening on my behalf, either. Just support him. That's why I didn't want to call you, but then I realized I needed someone to heal my face.

....

I'm not entirely sure MK ever fully knows what he wants.

I could tell you a bit of how he confessed to me, finally?

I'm quite sure he blurted it out somehow. That's more or less how I found out that he wanted to fuck me.

Well, he probably would have eventually, but he couldn't be blamed for our situation.

Since he found me drunkenly making out with the party clone in a closet.

[ Normally that would be pretty funny. Right now it only merits an ] Okay...

He told the Party Boy to leave or he'd pop him. Then he used the staff to trap us in the closet.

[Which certainly did a hell of a lot to Red Son's libido tbqh.]

Demanded what I was doing and I, in all my brilliant, drunken, shellshocked wisdom said something about teeth and MK lost it.

Went on about how he would be anything I wanted. How he loved me, how he wanted me to be happy, how he wanted to make those noises he heard from other incidents.

Essentially telling me he'd do whatever I told him, as long as I'd be happy, and he could be close to me, even if it was just a friend I wanted to bite me in a closet. Because of course I already had better in his mind. He would take whatever scraps I would give him because he didn't believe he could have more and it was clear it was tearing him up inside.

But it was better than the nothing he was expecting to get when he said he loved me.

I called him an idiot and laid out all the evidence of my being in love with him, but....that doesn't really change how he started out that encounter.

But I'll bet he believed you.

He was willing to, but it was also clear the next day that he still had doubts. Even after I poured out all my feelings, he was still thinking he wasn't good enough. He kept trying to divert the talks into something more sexually charged, like if we talked too much about the serious stuff, it would all disappear on him.

So we made up a system to talk. A word where we would be completely honest and say what was on our mind.

I told him that was a bad idea because I know how my temper goes, so it should be we didn't lie, but part of that was also saying when we needed time to calm down. A word for me to slow down. And for him to stop trying to run away.

And we have used that word a few times now and it wasn't all for my sake.

There's having doubts and there's telling someone they're lying about caring about you and then telling them you're done with them.

I'm missing the point you're making thanks to the booze so you might as well spell it out.

The point is before I confessed my feelings, he was ready to resign himself to a miserable state of just being a fuckbuddy because he thought it was all he could have.

Because he never thinks he's good enough. He was surrendering because if he just started there, then maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't hurt when that's all he could have.

He desperately wants you in his life, but he's terrified you'll be done with him someday, and he's trying to figure out where you'll land so he can get there first and maybe it won't hurt.

Even if that's true, if he won't believe me when I try to refute that then I'll never be able to. This isn't a one-time thing either, it's the second conversation in a row where he thinks I was lying because he didn't like my tone or something.

And if he can't tell me what he wants, or be patient while I try to grapple with my own stuff, how will I ever be able to meet whatever expectations he has? It's just all fucked and impossible.

....its kind of funny. I told Wukong he didn't care about me either. [What is it about old monkeys.] Was it really a second conversation, or was it just more of the first?

Gods, don't bring him into this, my head hurts enough.

[ He flops a bit against Red Son. ]

Hell if I know. He acted still pissed from jump even though it had been several days.

Unfortunately, that is my experience.

It sounds like its still the same conversation.

Its not impossible. Its a mess, it'll take time.

[A pause.] Would it be all right if I made a suggestion to him? For him to talk to you about our system for communication when its especially hard.

I can't stop you from talking to him about whatever you want to.

But I can't promise a code word will get me more able to talk if I'm in a spot where that's a challenge.

I know, but its...

Its a trick. It forces you to stop. And think. Get yourself into a different headspace.

If you're thinking of the rules of the word, then it makes you think of everything you're going to say. Are they in the spirit of the rule or are they just the impulse.

Even if what you need to say is I need time to cool down.

Edited 2024-02-17 07:29 (UTC)

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