forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

Gods, don't bring him into this, my head hurts enough.

[ He flops a bit against Red Son. ]

Hell if I know. He acted still pissed from jump even though it had been several days.

Unfortunately, that is my experience.

It sounds like its still the same conversation.

Its not impossible. Its a mess, it'll take time.

[A pause.] Would it be all right if I made a suggestion to him? For him to talk to you about our system for communication when its especially hard.

I can't stop you from talking to him about whatever you want to.

But I can't promise a code word will get me more able to talk if I'm in a spot where that's a challenge.

I know, but its...

Its a trick. It forces you to stop. And think. Get yourself into a different headspace.

If you're thinking of the rules of the word, then it makes you think of everything you're going to say. Are they in the spirit of the rule or are they just the impulse.

Even if what you need to say is I need time to cool down.

Edited 2024-02-17 07:29 (UTC)

I guess. I just honestly don't know if I could keep my word if he tried it. I might dig in all the harder about needing to get away.

That's when you say I need to cool down.

Its also a trick for his own head.

[ He conks his head forward against the tree trunk ]

I don't know, Red. It feels very... threatening.

I could promise you that, but it's different with you.

Threatening?

I can get why it feels different, but can you explain what you mean by threatening?

The same thing it means when someone implies they care about me and I say it makes my chest feel tight.

The same way MK makes me feel constantly... and which I probably wouldn't have admitted if I weren't shitfaced still. I like who he is, I just wish he didn't push so much. I tried to open up, I really genuinely did, even though it felt threatening, but having a magic word he can speak at any time and I have to stop and talk just feels like another way for him to push me.

Ah, that kind of threatening.

[He runs his fingers through Macaque's hair. Lightly tugging at knots and any bits of bark that got in there.]

...you could have a word that is 'I absolutely can't take talking right now.'

I know, I know, just saying you don't want to talk should be enough, but its kind of like why safewords are a thing for sex. There are some things where you know is going to be uncomfortable and nervewracking, but you want to give it a shot until the moment you really can't. The word exists so even if you're giving off other signs you're not liking it, the other person knows they can still push because that word hasn't been said yet.

And sometimes you do need....pushing.

And the words do have another use.

They establish a baseline of trust.

When we get to a point where we're actually trusting each other again we can have that conversation, maybe. Right now it's all messed up and it might take a while to fix. I think you're talking about step 63 and I'm on step two.

I don't know if I need pushing or not, but he promised he wouldn't and then he did. And I pulled back from him. So I'm not seeing much basis for a trust situation.

I'd say the stop word is more step five. Because you have to trust when you give that line, he has to listen. And he has to trust when you give that line, its not just because you don't want the hard conversation, but you just really can't.

The being open one is further along.

He was being an idiot.

But.

I also know you love him.

And I know he wants to be better.

I don't know that he needs to be better. I'm the one that's fucked in the head. Gods, how did I love Wukong for so long after he did this to me? [ There's a lot about the brain surgery to regret, a lot. But getting over Wukong isn't one of those, and he dreads getting those feelings back. ]

[ He pulls away from the tree trunk and looks at Red, and decides there's more than one thing he doesn't regret about the surgery. But that's also scary, because if it's reversed-- ]

[ He thinks of MK sobbing in a crater he pounded into the earth, and knows it has to be reversed. But he's loathe to give up this closeness, this feeling. ]

I need to be better for him, and he's impatient. It's understandable.

[Well, that's worrying.]

Mac? [He reaches up, putting his hands on his cheeks, to get him to look at him.]

[ Macaque blinks out of his reverie, looks down when prompted and gives Red Son a soft smile. ]

Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts. I hate fighting with him.

[ He kisses Red on the forehead. ] I'm good.

I know. I just don't want you to take the full blame. [He leans into the affection.] Its all right for both parties to share blame.

[Both Macaque and MK have issues that probably contributed to the issue, after all.]

You should be kinder to yourself.

I hurt MK, what would you be doing? [ Taking the full blame, one assumes. ]

I don't have much practice being kind to myself. Nor accepting it from others.

Depends how I hurt him. Sometimes I'm a bastard. Sometimes we're both idiots. [No, the problem is when he feels he FAILED MK, that is when his brain shuts the fuck down.]

No time like the present to start.

I think we can classify this one as an unforced error. I shouldn't have tried to talk to him so soon. [ Or with his brain not working. ]

Right now, or can it wait until I'm sober?

Hm, probably, but he was still making mistakes too. [Just saying.]

[He considers.]

No, you can feel sorry for yourself now and be sad. But longterm, kinder.

You mean pushing me. [ That's the only mistake he can possibly fathom that MK made. ]

Well... normally I'd blow a suggestion like that off, but it's you. So I'll try.

[ It's hard, though. The only one who was ever kind to him in any capacity was Wukong, and looking back there were some glaring flaws in that kindness. ]

Pushing you, assuming the worst more than likely. He has a nasty tendency of doing that.

Thank you. [There is a gentle kiss to his temple.]

[ He still wants to argue. This is so clearly his own fault. But the more he does, the more he'll have to dodge questions. ]

[ He smiles softly, genuinely, at that little kiss. ] I can't promise good results, you realize.

[He chuckles.]

Its a work and progress. I have gotten a talking to many times for not handling things with grace.

[ Hmm ]

I believe you... it's just, you've always been so easy for me to get along with.

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