forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

She and the Noodle Boy are a lot alike. I just knew MK was Wukong's first before anything started so it was....easier to accept. [He had no choice, but to accept it with MK.]

[He nodded as he listened. He had seen the snapping point in the scroll. But that was a moment versus an awful lot of context so it was important to check.]

It does seem a terrible way to go about it.

Probably made worse in he almost definitely believed what he said. At least when he said it.

Are they. [ He sounds skeptical, you must admit MK is a tough act to follow. ]

There was a lot of worse. He did plenty of it, but so did I. Anger is easier than pain, it's a very common story. Especially when it comes to the one that used to be closest to you.

It's easy to say all that here, real hard to stop the cycle from happening when he's in my face. Neither of us wants to blink first. [ Since blinking means opening themselves up to more pain. ]

Impossible to deny. [He pours another glass.]

Don't I know it? Well, not the closest part. But that tendency of his certainly isn't gone. Easier for him to be angry and go for the throat then to actually pay attention to what's happening.

At least I'm known for my temper, and even I can keep from going for the things that are actually cruel to do. Sleeping with you is the most spiteful thing I've done and frankly, if the spite gets to him, he's a hypocrite considering the lecture he gave me about Saya.

Anger and Wukong are old friends. And pride. I'd guess he's probably trying for MK's sake, maybe this vampire's sake too, but he's fighting millennia of inertia.

--Which isn't me defending him, I'm just saying don't hold your breath. I waited most of those millennia for him to get a clue that I didn't care about all the power and being yet another time immortal and he never did. Still probably doesn't know what that fight was even about.

...That was spite, yes. But it was also fun. No regrets on this end.

He knew at least some of what the fight was about. Now whether or not he took what he SHOULD HAVE from the fight.... [Handwaggles.]

He has this nasty tendency to take the wrong things from fights. Like he goes on and on about how he doesn't want forgiveness when I say I'm trying and like! That isn't what the person who wants to forgive wants to hear! It actually kind of sucks when you're struggling to forgive and the person just will actively reject those efforts and act like it's nothing! Why am I more invested in this than you?!

[He growls, a hand running through his hair and tugging at his ponytail in frustration.] He focuses on all the parts around something instead of the actual problem itself. He said he was trying to empathize, but he seemed way more invested in getting me to empathsize with him.

[He huffs.] And of course it was fun! I wouldn't begrudge you just being spiteful, you two have plenty of history for it, but I wouldn't have said yes if it had no appeal without spite. Spite was just a nice bonus. [He takes a sip. Face heating.] 10 out of 10 distraction. Would partake again. [He thinks that's the meme.]

Empathy is a new thing for him. It's bound to be a ridiculous struggle of hypocrisy.

[ He's on your side, Red Son. Although... ]

I at least know what he means by not looking for forgiveness, maybe I can help... for MK's sake. I always was good at translating his bullshit.

He probably means he can't afford to regret it, even though he wants to.

Or so I assume. I don't know how much you know about our lives before his Journey, but we were inseparable for a long time, all of us. I know what it would have done to me to send Azure and him to the underworld and seal your father and land Peng and Yellowtusk in a cursed scroll of memories, so I can only imagine it did the same to him.

He couldn't kill your father despite the danger he posed, because doing it to me and Azure probably destroyed him. And especially knowing what being under the mountain did to him, and to us, he can't let in what it did to you and your father and your mother.

Every choice has consequences, and I think after this long he's finally gotten that, but accepting forgiveness means that he'd have to let it all in. And it's probably too much.

That stupid Journey ground into his brain that he has to bury himself to do the right thing.

[ He takes a very long drink. ]

Only ten out of ten? I can do better.

It absolutely is. At least I'll admit I'm still figuring out how it works.

[Red Son does listen. Sipping the glass of alcohol, staring down at it.]

I have noticed the burying. Though I can't pretend it doesn't make me a bit mad to hear that.

Him and MK, both of them keep bringing up how father was hurting people. The thing is, I get that, I understand that. But even when I explain I can't give that much empathy, they just...refuse to really listen. To understand why I can't make my decisions based on that.

Its funny. They act like the world is going to reject them at any moment.

I know MK doesn't know what it feels like when the world truly does so. He fears it. But he's always had people.

Wukong lost all his people, and I know that hurts. But its different, losing everyone, and having the world tell you over and over you truly don't deserve to have someone to turn to. To have centuries of opportunities to occur and they never do until a silly Noodle Boy.

There is no way to have empathy for a world like that without destroying yourself and resigning yourself to misery.

But maybe its close enough to burying.

[He finishes the glass and pours another. There is a small huff of amusement.]

Trying to change math then?

Yeah. It's hard for a hero to think anyone would care more about anything than they would about innocent people getting hurt.

[ Macaque shares your hero feelings, Red Son. Probably in all respects. ]

I'm probably too biased toward your side. The Journey to the West is about Wukong improving who he is based on the power of friendship and understanding and acceptance. It's hard not to read that and resent that the narrative says there was nothing in his life before that which was worth having. Or that he wasn't better for giving up.

Even failing that, he's different now. He listens to MK and cares about what he thinks in ways he never did with me. It's hard not to wonder why I wasn't worth that to him.

I know, I know, people change. Still. [ So he gets the resentment. ] And that's without even accounting for the whole killing me part.

So I'm really not saying don't think what you think about it. Goodness knows I can't manage to get along with him even though I know why things are the way they are. [ Macaque has stunning insight and still. ]

[ He will smirk a bit at the math comment. ]

What can I say, rules were made to be broken. I have high standards.

Exactly. Its just...that is a lot. That is a lot of energy. It wears them down and that's without all the other baggage involved.

[Red Son hums.] I suppose in the interest of making it a little easier to swallow, he was constantly tortured into accepting the power of friendship. [He scratches at his own neck.] If Nezha hadn't let father take me home after the fire was removed, if he had taken me back to that woman where every little misstep was punished instead of just too wild of a fire...

[Well, different lessons would be learned.]

Heaven's gifts are nothing to scoff at, unfortunately.

Which isn't defending him, since I understand quite well that situation, but I hope it helps you feel better. It was at least a lot to make it worth his effort to change.

[Friendship and torture, a winning combo. But at least it didn't guarantee Macaque was chopped liver to compared to others.]

Though he still made the choices he did. Some he couldn't help, but others he could. The whole killing you thing is definitely pretty messed up and something he should like address. He needs to learn to address these things at least in some way.

To be fair, MK makes himself worth it for basically anyone who meets him who isn't wholly psychotic. [He gestures between the two of them.] MK is an unfair bar to try and strive for.

[Red Son hums and quirks an eyebrow.] Well, I do like science. New data points do give a clearer score.

You can't torture someone into friendship. You can torture them into compliance. If it was only that, I wouldn't be so bothered. In fact, the torture should have made it less likely that he'd accept the others, especially the monk. Especially the Wukong I knew.

[ He takes a drink and looks at Red Son from the corner of his eye. ]

When it comes to the one you're supposed to love above all others, and have for centuries, I'm fairly certain that it's not an unfair bar to consider what they think and want. Not to take them for granted.

[ He's not upset at the implication, it's just a fact. ]

I know MK is special, but there's acknowledging that and then there's being okay with the fact that to Wukong, I wasn't. And again, it's not just MK, it's the monk and the rest of them. If love is supposed to have made him better, what does it say that he wasn't already better?

I'm a good deal less bothered by the killing than all of that.

When you're stuck in bad you can't escape, sometimes the smallest of kindnesses can get to you. Its...not a healthy way to be, but I don't think its a secret that Wukong isn't exactly healthy.

...but that is a fair point. [Because there is kindness after so long of bad, so long of loneliness. That part Red Son could understand. It was MK's kindness after so long of expecting nothing that hit him like a truck. But before MK and the Dragon Girl...]

[All he had had was his parents.]

[Wukong had many loved ones. A brotherhood. Macaque. The monkeys on his mountain. Who knows who else.]

[Red Son had wondered how different he would be if he had had more in his life before his father was sealed away.]

I can see why that would be the sticking point. [He huffs.] Like I'm not mad at Wukong about the collar, but I am about my father. Somethings just...hit differently. Can't be rationalized away.

Love does that, I suppose.

Especially when its love that makes you feel like you weren't good enough.

[ He considers that. ]

Wukong was starved for company and affection when the monk unsealed him from the mountain. After I left, he was alone down there.

[ He shakes his head. ] I should have gone back. I knew it then. Kept wrestling with myself about it. But whenever I thought I should, I'd hear him accusing me all over again. I kept telling myself to wait for one reason or fifty.

I thought we had forever, and it gets easy to assume that you'll get there at some point. I know I never, absolutely never, intended to just not repair things. To the point when I heard about the monk, that he was an agent of Heaven now, I tried to convince the others that it wasn't the betrayal they thought it was.

I always believed in him, and that never stopped. I just wrapped myself five layers deep in protective snark so it wouldn't cut so deep anymore, and now it's like I can't stop. I see him, and I think of all this, and I just -- [ well. bicker like exes do. ]

[Red Son nodded.] That. He definitely still has a lot of that.

[He spins the cup in his hand.] The curse of immortality. You have all the time in the world. Until suddenly you don't. [There were stories aplenty of that. Not something Red Son had to experience himself, but its a pattern he knows comes for all of them eventually. Live long enough and its unavoidable.]

Difficult to open up and risk being hurt. Especially with someone you're not entirely sure is willing to care enough to not cut deep.

[He turns to Macaque, resting his chin in his hand.]

...there had been an idea I toyed with, off and on, while trying to figure out a way to talk to Wukong in a way that maybe he would finally understand what I needed. I wondered if part of it was because I kept my guard up because...well, what reason do I have to offer him that much trust?

There are these mushrooms that compel you to tell the truth. No lies. No snark. No guarded bluster.

[ That gets an eyebrow raise. ]

Have you, now. Just douse yourself n truth serum and go for it, or are you poisoning his tea?

At least I would be under the truth serum.

I hadn't decided on him yet.

Just him under it accomplishes nothing.

If you want to do it to yourself, fair enough. If you want to do it to him, do everyone a favor and get his permission. MK will lose it on you if you don't.

--Not that I don't understand the impulse. Believe me. I've often wondered what's going on inside Wukong's head, if he's doing the same thing I'm doing with self-protection.

Yeah, probably.

I didn't plan on making the truth thing a secret. Understanding what people can't say is part of understanding them.

He's doing self protection. [THAT he's figured out.]

[ His eyebrows lift. ]

You seem awfully certain about it.

[ Macaque isn't exactly confident either way, certainly he's not going to say Red Son is totally wrong, but... ]

Why?

The way he acts around me. He says he's vulnerable, but he also does it in an irreverent way.

If he's opening himself up for hurt, it's in a way where he can cushion and guide the hurt. Never quite giving anything away that is actually risky to do. It isn't a full on wall of snark and attitude, but trying to not care about being hurt is also a way to run from the struggle of it.

Like letting someone break your pinky over risking them taking out a rib.

Or he lashes out first when hope doesn't seem possible so he doesn't have to be disappointed.

Edited 2023-10-20 17:43 (UTC)

Hm. [ Certainly possible. Macaque would like to believe it. ]

--Still doesn't make it any easier to take his crap when it's in your face, huh. [ Which isn't really a question. ]

No, it doesn't.

I don't even want to hurt him. [Staring down at the glass.] Not really. Not in the way he's bracing himself for. His irrevence has been driving me nuts and I want that to crack, but...

I don't want him miserable.

I just want him to act like I was hurt.

[ Raises a mock toast ]

We're in exactly the same position, then.

Inside the scroll, Wukong acknowledged that he made mistakes while trying to protect the people he cared about. But he said it to MK. I already know he can treat MK like an equal.

If he'd just give me an inch, I like to think I could... I don't know, be real. It's not like I'm in massive denial about anything.

[He chuckles sardonically at that.]

I was that way too. I was looking for something where it felt like I could start letting go. Just an inch where it didn't feel like I was trapped with all those feelings.

And then he finally did! We were getting somewhere. There was that first step and it felt like we could go forward.

[He lifts his glass.] Then I pissed him off and instead of just being focused on where I fucked up, he went for my throat with everything he could use to hurt me. [He downs the glass.]

Yeah, he does that. Why do you think what he said under the mountain set me off enough to not go back for centuries?

[ Being accused of not helping, of not caring, really haunted him. Still does, since it is still just sitting there. ]

If you figure out how to run the gauntlet of his bullshit and get to the heart of the matter, do share the knowledge.

I don't really know where to go.

[He sighs, forehead thudding against the bar.]

He's done plenty to hurt me, but I was....collateral damage. The damage that was the unfair, so it's not like I ever expected him to care about me or anything like that. I was hoping he'd care I was hurt.

To have someone who cared I was hurt for once.

And I believed him, and it was a relief.

And then he choose to hurt me as best as he could personally.

Right when his judgement could actually do so.

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