forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

[ She can feel the shaking, and she's just started rubbing his arms to try and calm him down, is pondering whether she should sing to him or what, when he busts out with. That. ]

[ Understatement of all the CENTURIES to say she didn't see that coming. ]

...That's what's bothering you?

[ She shouldn't be shocked. He's been nervous about that for months. She kept her promise to not drink his blood, except for that one time with the WereMonkey, but that question. ]

We have a connection. I... don't know what it is.

But he decided to let me in and that's not easy for him, and I want to be worthy of that.

...To be honest, I haven't been willing to explore whatever's between us because it might hurt you if I did. It was only very recently where I stopped being able to keep a distance there. [ Too recently to have any definitive answers. But... that she doesn't have a definitive answer is something of an answer. ]

Ha, of course he did. [A low mutter. He can't quite keep the bitterness out of his voice.]

[Of all the people the monkey decides to let in, it has to be Saya. Red Son already knew that he was doomed with MK and Mei, knew where MK's loyalties were going to lie and Mei would go with MK. But Wukong had a claim on MK first and he had to respect that. He was always going to be second.]

[But Saya...Saya was his first, away from his life before, and away from Wukong who had taken away his father, who had taken away what gentleness his mother would show, who could take away MK and Mei with ease.]

[Ah, there it was.]

[Those dark, poisonous feelings.]

[Maybe this was his punishment for being the bad guy. The heroes always keeping the villains in check.]

...I was hoping if you didn't drink from him, then it would make it easier for you to not form a deep connection with him. I knew asking you to cut him off wouldn't be fair at that point, that it'd hurt you, but I hoped that it...

Wouldn't grow.

[ She can hear the bitterness, and knows it comes from deep grief. As deep and wide as she mourned Riku and Haji, despite that his situation had a frantic hope and hers-- ]

[ She so badly wants to make this better for him. To promise whatever he needs to hear that will ease his pain. But at this point, it would be a lie. And it would be hurting her, and he said he didn't want to do that. ]

[ Her arms fold around him. ]

It wasn't the lack of drinking from him. It was not wanting to hurt you.

But I told you about how I held myself back before, and I vowed never to do it again. Holding myself back from him, from anyone, felt like a violation of their memory.

[ Not like invoking her Chevaliers right now is especially fraught or. Anything. ]

I did it for you. But it hurt.

[ Please don't ask her to do it anymore. ]

[The chevaliers doesn't make it any easier.]

[Its not as if he didn't know he was making a big ask. He KNEW it was one. He tried to put some kind of limit, to prevent closeness from happening because it was the only thing he could see to do.]

[You're not worth the compassion of anyone]

[Of course he's not. He knew that. He grew up knowing he would never get compassion from anyone. He accepted it, embraced that fact, treated the world as callously as it treated him because if he didn't deserve compassion, why did the world deserve his?]

[~~Until MK gave it.~~]

[He knew that. He had to sacrifice. He had to earn it. He had been a fool to think he didn't have to, that he didn't have to keep working to earn it.]

[Even if he hurt, as long as she smiled, then that was always his choice.]

I don't want you to hurt anymore.

[ Saya isn't sure what's happening here exactly, she only knows that he seems so -- spent. Flat. She hates it. She wants to be what makes him light candles and what makes his pulse race, not the thing that does this. ]

[ Ahe also has to be who and what she is. She can't go back. She promised them. ]

[ She squeezes him gently. ]

I know it's not a lack of trust in me that makes you nervous about me being close to him. I know that.

But I can't come up with any way to solve this except asking you to trust me. To believe me when I say that nothing, no one, could ever take me away from you. Not even Wukong.

I can understand if that doesn't feel like enough, but it's true.

[ She gently pries one of his hands away from whatever it's doing and brings it up to press against the scar on her neck. ] Part of me belongs to you and part of you belongs to me. He couldn't steal me away if he tried.

[ But Wukong hasn't tried. In fact he's been supremely respectful of Saya's feelings and intentions despite the pain that caused him, and her. But Saya doesn't think the point would be well taken right now. ]

I do trust you.

Its nothing on you. Its not...none of this is because I think anything bad or negative about you. I trust you completely.

[Its himself he doesn't trust. That he isn't good enough. That she'll see how lacking he truly is. That she'll run out of patience for his inadequacies and go for someone who deserves her.]

[If he keeps messing up, she'll figure out how much he doesn't.]

[His breathing hitches as she moves his hand up, it had just been scrubbing away at the wound even though its stopped bleeding by now, and feels the scar on her neck.]

You'll always have a part of me. [His words are soft, quiet, and yet heavy all the same.] The one thing I can do is blind devotion.

[ She knows this has nothing to do with her, really. Nothing she did or could do will fix this. But that also means that she can't be the one to heal this for him. She could break every promise she ever made and flay herself apart trying to fix this and it would never work. ]

[ So she's got to be true to who she is. And just trust him to never push her away too far for her to reach him. ]

[ She's about to murmur more reassurances, as many as he'll listen to, when. ]

...Blind devotion?

[ She goes completely, unnaturally still. Though her arms remain around him. ]

Of all things to say to me. You know that's not what I want. If I wanted blind devotion, I'd make Chevaliers.

[ They had this conversation. He knows that she hated it, never knowing if they loved her or were just responding to the blood bond. It was torture. That's why she couldn't believe Haji really loved her until he disobeyed her, and one of the factors that had her miss out on centuries with him. ]

I know you're upset, so I'm going to give you a chance to rephrase that.

[Ah]

[Speaking of messing up.]

[There is some self destructive part that doesn't want to even try. Those dark voices that had told him over and over to destroy his phone, to reject every attempt Mei and MK made to reach out, to leave them in the desert. The same voice that made him work for three days without rest or food because what right did he have to comfort after burning someone so important to him.]

[How dare he try to make his world any bigger than his family.]

[But he always tries. He always tries because he doesn't know how to not, even if its means things will hurt more later.]

[He twists his arm to look at the bite mark on his forearm.]

...I don't know if I can.

I don't...

I don't know what I'm doing, Saya. I keep hurting you. I keep hurting MK. I even hurt Kantera.

If I'm not being told what to do, it feels like all I can do is cause more harm. I always thought that I was loyal, but I think I might have chosen MK over my parents and if I was willing to do that...

Is it really loyalty, or just it was easy to be devoted?

[ He's acting odd enough to cut through even her indignation and disbelief that he'd say something so boneheaded and inconsiderate. But then, everyone misspeaks sometimes, especially when they're as upset as he seems to be. ]

[ And the absolute searing rage that cuts through her, just for a second, when he says he hurt her husband. But, like his flares, it only lasts a second. It's not the real feeling. ]

[ The real feeling is concern. Deep concern. What put all this in his head? ]

[ So she draws a breath and gives him a squeeze. Nuzzles her way into his neck. She can deal with the blind devotion thing later. ]

Hey. Hurts can be soothed. I'm still here, aren't I? I didn't dash out the door when you said something that upset me.

What's going on with you? Where is all this doubt coming from, just days after the ritual? Minutes after I told you how happy you've made me?

I love you. Let me help.

[A lot was already there and just got forcibly dug up, Lady Bone Demon style.]

[He opens his mouth, about to answer.]

[Then his mouth snaps shut.]

[He's just doing it again.]

[Selfish, selfish, selfish.]

I-

I've already asked enough of you. You've offered me more patience and comfort than I deserve. I-

I'll figure this out. I'll figure it out and I'll be better. I can't keep asking so much of you.

[ Oh does she ever hate every single thing about what he just said. ]

It's up to me how much I want to offer. And you're worth my time and patience and comfort. And my love.

Don't shut me out. [ She's given up all pretense of being rational now, and is gently, quietly pleading. ] That won't do anything but hurt me more.

I'm not. Not if it keeps hurting you. Nothing about me is worth you getting hurt for.

I don't want to, but I don't-I can't-I'm a selfish person. I want to take all the kindness you offer, all the love and compassion, and I don't know how to return it, and its not fair to you. Wukong- [Made it clear how much of a poison he is.]

We're supposed to be equals, and that won't happen if I'm just a hindrance for your happiness.

I just...I just need more time to figure it out. I will, but I don't want to hurt you in the meantime.

Edited 2023-10-10 20:44 (UTC)

[ She holds him tighter. No longer gently. Clinging. ]

I... what are you saying?!

Wukong -- what? I don't know what happened with him -- [ and part of it clicks in her head, how angry Wukong was, how he asked for a bottle of her good booze since he was going to need it... god Wukong what did you do? ]

--but I get to decide what's fair to me and what's not.

You're not a hindrance to my happiness, you're the cause of it. [ One of them, but a very prominent one. ]

Don't do this. [ She doesn't want to cry since that will only make matters worse. It's not far off if he keeps speaking like this. ] Please don't push me away. I know how hard that is to come back from.

[He Lady Bone Demon'd and he Lady Bone Demon'd hard.]

[He didn't mean to let the name slip. He was willing to use Wukong as a distraction, but he's not actively trying to make things worse or painful for Saya. Not even him, not really. Its just hard for him to bite back the words sometimes. The feelings become too much and they spill out.]

[The same as his hair flares up, and his temper burns itself out.]

[Its why he keeps messing up, why he keeps being selfish even with those he doesn't want to hurt, those he wants to consider, those he wants to take care of and make happy.]

[He's hurting her again, and his heart is racing in panic as he doesn't know-]

[He doesn't know-]

I-

I'm not trying to, I just-

This isn't the first time I've upset you and I'm going to do it again with my incompetence and I-

I just need to figure out how to stop it. I-

Please, I'm not trying to upset or hurt you, I'm-

I-

[His voice cracks and he grabs onto her arm, clutching tight.]

I don't know how to be good for you.

[ Somewhere between his saying he doesn't know how to be good for her and his voice cracking and his clutching her arm she snaps in two. Burying her face against the back of his shoulder, trying to hide that she lost her battle with her tears. ]

Are... you telling me that you want me to leave?

And that you don't know when or even if you want me to come back?

Because that's what it sounds like. And I-- [ can't take that. Please don't say that. ]

...I don't want to do that.

[ She doesn't understand any of this. How this discussion went here. Why he seems like he's having a conversation she's not part of. What he's hiding that he doesn't think she can take. ]

But if that's what you think you need, then... I could never refuse to give you what you need.

[ But. It will destroy her. ]

[ In a small voice, she tries one last time: ] Please don't make me go. Please.

[Oh, that panicked heart rate just shot up.]

No! Absolutely not! [Saya may have been trying to hide, but at that, he has to turn around, grabbing her arms tightly, expression desperate.] I would never make you go. I-

I could never do that. Not without tearing a part of myself out of my chest and I- [His grip loosens and he looks to the side.]

I could never be that selfless.

No...no matter how bad I was for you, even if I could recognize that I was, I'm not...capable of that.

And I...

I don't want that at all. I'm not asking you to go away.

[He sighs and looks up, seeing her tears. He reaches up, brushing them away, his own expression pained and guilty.]

[Before he leans forward, pressing his forehead to her shoulder.]

I'm sorry. You deserve better than this.

[ Even his reassurances are couched in self-doubt. It's like looking in a horrible mirror. Like watching herself push away her Chevaliers, Nem, her husband, Yuri. ]

[ She can't speak or breathe until he brushes her tears away and leans forward against her, and she wraps her arms around him. Desperate to keep him close. ]

Please stop telling me that I deserve better. That you're bad for me. I accepted you, flaws and all. Like you did me.

We were just talking about how happy I was. I meant every word.

I don't understand what's wrong. And not understanding means I'm going to make assumptions and we both know where my mind goes. [ Self-blame. It's inevitable if he doesn't start explaining where things went wrong. ]

[Surprise, he's more like her and MK than he initially presents. This is probably why MK and him were having such a hard time just talking to each other about their feelings.]

Its not you, Saya. This...none of this is on you.

[He doesn't want her to hurt. But saying the actual problem will just pull more kindness from her, more compassion, more reassurances that he doesn't deserve.]

[But if he says nothing, she'll blame herself.]

[He doesn't know how to do this right.]

[He wants to do it right, but everything feels like it will just make it worse.]

How...

How often are you hurting yourself to comfort me?

How often do I fail to comfort you when you need it?

[Data. Maybe if he had clear data. Whatever she surely told Wukong. All the times he's been failing to be good for her.]

Don't lie. Please don't lie. I can't-I can't be better if I don't know.

You keep saying that none of this is on me, and that's all well and good, but when you're partners with someone you should fix things together. Maybe this is something I can't help with, but hiding it won't do anything. At least nothing good.

[ Please just... consider that. ]

[ She thinks seriously about his question. It's a rough one, but she wants to give it due consideration since it seems very important. ]

It's not black and white. Especially with me. [ The one who feels six dozen ways about everything. ]

...The last full moon. Comforting you was hard. It hurt seeing you pine for someone else, and even before you told me it was that, I knew that was the situation. Especially after seeing MK out of control and having to reign myself in, harden my heart because you couldn't. But it would have also hurt to not comfort you. I'm glad I offered that comfort and I'd do it again.

And the first time WereMonkey came out. I took your side against Wukong and I'm not sure if you know how hard that was. But it would have hurt me to not support you, too. I'd make a different choice if I had that to do over, but I think that choice would be to stay out of it.

But you've given me comfort when I needed it so many other times. When I came here crying over a gem, you designed funeral vases for him. You treated him with kindness and care and respect. I never would have thought to ask for any of it, that's how unexpected it was. You offered to be the only one in my tests with me despite your fears about needing to kill me all over again -- which was a time I hurt you without knowing it, by the way.

Aside from being conflicted about MK in front of me and asking me to but a wall between myself and Wukong, there isn't any way I can think of that you've hurt me.

[Its what he thought too. He saw his parents together. He saw them work together, saw them talk, especially after everything with the Lady Bone Demon. But the fear he was taking too much, that he was a burden, that he was failing-]

[All the things the dark voices whispered in his mind he did his best to ignore-]

[It was too much to ignore.]

[But...he knew most of that. He knew that Saya was disturbed by seeing MK like that and wanted to talk to her about that, but she had things she asked time for, and he thought it may have involved that. So he waited.]

[He hadn't quite known she realized he was pining yet, but he knew it had been rough for her regardless. He hadn't known she's been hurt emotionally to go against Wukong that first time. A failure-]

[Even if he had been good about Riku, and the tests, that-]

[It still couldn't be enough-]

But I'm still not doing enough. He said-

I'm not considering you enough. I'm not showing enough empathy and care. Nowhere near as much as you've showed me, and that's not fair, but I don't know how, and its not fair to ask you to teach me.

Surely-

Surely there's more I could be doing, but I don't-

How do I get better without having to burden you? I-

That's where I'm stuck. I don't want to push you away, but I don't want to keep dragging you down as I struggle to figure out how to be a good partner.

I can stop pining in front of you, and Wukong-I can-if I can bear it with MK, I can figure out how to bear it for you, but its still-

What else?

--Okay, stop a second. [ She wriggles her arms free enough to grip his shoulders. ]

You're asking for a bulleted list when that's not how my mind works. If it's important to you, I can bring things up as they arise, but I don't have a list in my back pocket of how you can be better to me because, like I've said a bunch of times, I'm happy. With you.

But one thing is you can let me speak for myself, instead of letting Wukong and your fears speak for me. He was furious that day. I saw it, but I didn't realize he went and unloaded all that on you.

[ And she'll address that with Wukong, but that's neither here nor there. ]

I don't want you to stop being honest with me about MK and how you feel about him. That doesn't serve anything. Just because something hurts me doesn't mean we throw the baby out with the bathwater. It's just as much on me to tell you when you're upsetting me. And I didn't, so how should you have known?

There are times when you put aside your feelings and times when you don't. The last full moon, you needed me. I'd do that over a thousand times and a thousand times again. When I needed you, for my tests, and with Riku, you were there, despite how it hurt you to be.

That's what I want. The same give and take we've had.

[There is still that same pained and guilty expression. Not able to meet her eyes. He's not used to wanting someone to meet their eyes when he feels he's messed up, its habit to look down, to submit to whatever came next.]

[He is listening though and its difficult. The words are what he wants to hear, wants to believe. He wants the give and take he's appreciated so much. He knew there had been missteps, difficulties, pain, but all of it had felt]

[Surmountable. Things they could talk about about and work through. Maybe some things delayed, where time was needed, but nothing had felt like a wall he was slamming against, or like a cavern he'd have to repeatedly fall down to maybe hope to reach the other side one day. Everything felt in reach, he just needed to be in a space to do so.]

[Its just also fighting the dark voices in his mind and its hard to silence centuries of a background noise.]

[But sweet Buddha, he wanted to.]

...can I be selfish for a few minutes?

[ Saya just looks at him, as if somehow the answer to "how can I fix this?" will appear on his forehead. She is starting to get that Wukong said some things and it set Red Son off, hadn't that happened before the party she threw? So she's very confused why it's coming up now. ]

Yes, you can. [ Please say something real and not just parroted words from the worst parts of your fears. ] I'm not going anywhere.

[Listen]

[There were a few reasons he was drinking that night, but a big one was he didn't want to ruin her night with his dark voices he's been trying his best to ignore.]

[Its just bringing up Wukong had]

[Destroyed what little barriers he had up.]

[He hadn't quite calculated that when he decided on the distraction.]

[With the permission, he moves forward. Burying his face against her neck, over the bitemark, and wrapping his arms around her. His own desperate cling.]

I can't-

I can't say anything that isn't-

That isn't the fears yet.

Will you sing for me?

[As he tries to breathe, tries to get something of a barrier against those voices, try to calm down to have even a shred of rationality.]

[ And he's usually so good with calculations. Alas emotions like to buck the rules. ]

[ She sighs with sheer, uncomplicated relief as her arms wrap around him and tuck him close. Yes, she can sing. She'll do anything if he will stop looking and sounding so broken. ]

Of course.

[ She proceeds to sing some gentle opera solos, just whatever springs to mind. Letting her voice fill the room and hopefully push back some of the shadows looming in his head. Singing for a long stretch of time that might be twenty minutes, might be an hour -- she doesn't stop until he stirs and indicates that he's ready. ]

[ Despite that she's been crying, her voice is clear and perfect. ]

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