forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

[ She's trying to listen. To believe what he's saying, since it's exactly what she wants to hear. But everything in her is insisting she brace herself for the inevitable. ]

There's no if. I lose everyone I love. Dozens of them. [ Popping up in her dreams to remind her of her failures, night after night. With one notable absence. ]

I always knew that I was what you settled for because you didn't think you could have him. Or Mei. I should have accepted it already. I will. I just need time.

[...okay, it might be time to change tracks.]

[He straightens up. He doesn't let go of her entirely, a hand on her arm, but he is still a demon prince. He can put on the regal airs when he needs to, tone that of one demanding attention he rightly deserves.]

So I should be insulted is what I'm hearing.

[ She flinches at the loss of a solid place to rest her weight. ]

I... what?

[ She's in a fog, the dots aren't connecting. ]

What I settled for?

Do you think I am so poor a choice for a mate that I would simply settle for someone? Do you take the heir of the Demon Bull Family as so pathetic?

[He may be insecure as well, but he knows what kind of air he is supposed to put on and its an act he's had plenty of time to perfect, even if he never had a need to use it here.]

[ Pardon her as she mentally stumbles. ]

Of course not. I wouldn't be so upset at the idea of losing you if I thought any of that.

And yet you continue to insult me anyway.

To insult one's mate is to insult one's self. Especially in my family, where love comes first in these matters.

To settle when my parents allow me to marry for love would be a grave insult to them both. There are many demon families that would not give such freedom, especially when we need to rebuild our court properly. That is how much they value such things and their expectations of myself to find those worthy of my affections.

Do you wish to keep implying that I would insult my parents and demean myself in such a way?

[ To her credit, she looks shaken. ]

--No. Not at all. I'm sorry.

[ She takes a slow breath to try to calm herself down. It only works marginally. Her head is full of loss and she can't imagine any other outcome for anything. ]

I'm just... scared.

[For once, Saya gets to deal with the displeased royal airs.]

[But he does gentle at that.]

I know.

But you were spiraling.

And I was a bit insulted.

I've always wanted love. Love like my parents had. A love they didn't find until they were way older than me.

I wouldn't even joke about the idea for settling when I've been dating less than a year.

If I didn't think this couldn't be a love as great as that, I wouldn't have let you bite me.

[ It's not the royal bearing that bothered her, it was realizing that she was upsetting him. ]

I want that too. But... I had that once. And I lost it. The pain of that-- it's what your mother went through, but worse since there was no undoing it. [ SO FAR AS SHE KNOWS RIGHT NOW ]

With all that's been going on, the dreams where they were all reminding me of my failures, it's hard not to think of loss. You and MK starting up overlapped it, and my instincts are screaming, and then Venti was gone, and all my fears are just. Magnified.

I apologize for the insult to you and your family. I never meant to imply a lacking in you, but in myself.

I understand. [His hand moves up to cup her cheek now.] I understand that you've lost. That everything is hurting now.

And I understand you can only stand so much being assured you are more than enough.

So I want you to remember that. To settle means one believes they can't do better. And in this matter, not even my own dark voices would convince me to settle, I'm too stubborn to give up on something I want that much. I'd need at least several centuries of trying before I dared let myself get discouraged.

I am rather selfish, after all.

And perhaps that will be a little easier for you to wrap your head around.

[ She leans gently into his touch. A little sign that she's doing her best to hear him through the noise of grief. ]

I'll make every effort. [ Success may be mixed, terms and conditions apply. ]

I don't want to lose you. Or cause you pain. And it feels like the best way to do that is to keep my pain as far away from you as possible.

...But I don't know if that's best. I don't know if space would help or hurt. MK asked me to stay away for a while, but that might have been because he could sense that I was eager for distance.

It could be that I'm doing that thing where I punish myself, it's hard to tell. [ She 100% is. ] I'm not thinking clearly in the slightest.

Edited 2023-10-23 13:14 (UTC)

I do believe you were quite upset with me when I was talking about keeping my pain away from you.

There is a good chance. He is quite good at sensing...limits. When people need him to back off, as it were.

[His thumb gently traces over her cheek.] That is why I pulled the promise from you. To not be alone, even if it wasn't me.

....perhaps then time could be bitesized? We could spend an hour, or thirty minutes together everyday. So you know I'm still here, but you could still have plenty of time away?

[ Everything inside her clenches tight, but before she can entirely shut down the impulse, she starts talking. ]

I want to be alone. I want to fly to the edge of the map, outrun everything in my head. I want to stay awake until I can't think straight so I don't have to see them and I won't have to think about why Haji isn't there. I want to smash this piano to flinders so Venti's memory stops haunting me. I want to go back and shake myself until I stop doing whatever humans command of me.

I want to run away from what I have so at least the loss isn't blindsiding me. I want to say the hell with my promise not to hold myself back from anyone, that it would be less pain to just run.

--I know I shouldn't. But that's what's in my head.

[Okay, time to pull her back into this hug properly now. He made the point he needed to make with the regal air. Back to the love her lots and trying to be gentle air.]

You'd regret breaking the piano. You don't want to be alone. You don't want to hold back.

I just gave the okay to pursue the monkey, you really want to give that up now? [He is Very Much Trying for her.]

[He kisses the top of her head.]

I know its all in your head. And I'm here to pursue you until you can pull away from those thoughts.

[ Saya allows herself to be pulled, falling against him. ]

...I am actually happy now. But being happy now means I'm happy without them.

[ That's the closest she can get to explaining how she feels. And why she sometimes wants to ruin every good thing she has, the most twisted memorial possible. ]

Time together every day sounds good. But you'd have to avoid talking about MK or Mei unless I bring them up. Activating my jealousy will only set me back. Just for these few weeks. Can you manage that? [ She's honestly not sure if he can. ]

Hm. Do you remember what you told me, about Riku's gem for your bite?

I can avoid talking about them. [He's been working on it, okay!]

I do. But then I had weeks of dreams where it sure seems like I was wrong. Riku asked me why I didn't protect him.

[ Usually she just invents her own reasons for this shit but this time there is actual evidence. ]

--Only while I'm getting my head straight. I'd never ask you to stop talking about what's important to you in any long term way. It's just that if the point of visiting is to make me feel cared about... [ right now MK is too big a minefield ] If you can't agree to that, I understand.

I really don't think those dreams were meant to be comforting. [And that is totally why Haji didn't show up.]

There are regrets, but you also know he wanted you happy. You were certain of it.

I already agreed to it, Saya.

Or maybe I don't deserve comfort after how I failed them. There's nothing you can say to make that any better. [ Sorry, but it's true. Might as well divert the conversation. ]

Maybe it was arrogant of me to assume what he would want. I wasn't there when he died. I wasn't there for a long time before that, because of my own fears of being close to a new Chevalier. I tormented him, and then I wasn't there.

[ She squirms a bit at the "I already agreed to it" line, but says nothing. She doesn't believe it. She believes he's being honest, but she doesn't think it's possible for him to focus on her only for however short a time. ]

It wasn't an argument of deserve. Merely how the mechanics of how the dreams are.

[He lightly strokes her hair. He's silent for several beats.]

I think you were right before. That he would want you to be happy.

And I think he would be happy you made him a physical part of your happiness.

You made mistakes, grave mistakes, but...there is still love there, and that isn't nothing.

Edited 2023-10-24 13:26 (UTC)

I don't know. It's hard at moments like this to tease apart what he would want versus what I want versus what I believe I deserve.

And it only gets more complicated when it's everyone else, too. All at once.

[ She takes a few deep breaths. ]

--Have you ever lost anyone in a permanent way? [ She's not sure how well Red Son really gets what is going on in her head, and she's awful with words so it's probably coming out all wrong. ]

...

No. There wasn't any opportunity for something like that. The closest was a pet chicken before father was imprisoned.

[But that's a chicken and wholly different. He just never...had any time to make a relationship to LOSE.]

[ Red Son with a pet chicken is an adorable image, but this isn't the moment to ask about it. ]

It's beyond terrible. Makes you question for a while whether loving someone else is actually worth it, if this is the pain you're left with on the other side.

And in my case, these losses, their deaths, were my doing. If not by my hand directly, by my actions. You know what that's like, at least. Only there's no revival, no happy ending. Just that pain, forever.

It's like... being adrift in the ocean during a typhoon. The waves are six stories high, and you get tossed around without any control. [ She figures the ocean will be a good allegory for weakness given Red Son's history with those. ] Barely able to get a breath in before the next wave slams you down, sputtering and coughing. Floating wreckage you can't see coming cracking you in the head. Knocking you absolutely senseless. And you're convinced you deserve it, that the torrent of waves are your own fault. If you could only swim better, handle things better, you wouldn't be drowning.

After a while the waves lessen and you can breathe a little. Then a little more. Then everything starts to feel safe again -- but out of nowhere, a tsunami comes and slams you down all over again, and you can't breathe or think, you can barely tread water. Survival is all you can manage, barely.

That's where I am. It just takes time for the water to settle again. The ocean can't be reasoned with or talked down. You just have to wait it out.

[Red Son continues to hold her as she talks, slowly rubbing up and down her back. Listening to her description.]

[It sounds closer to the description of her mother's reactions when her hope waned. The times she would hide away from him and anyone else. The pain he heard just made him double down more.]

[It just made him less and less willing to admit to hopelessness and grief. His pain couldn't compare to what she had behind iron walls.]

[But that was a problem he could work to solve. And he can't tell her about his potential solve for her. Not yet.]

...there can be something to float with, so it's easier to recover when the waters settle.

Is that something I can do for you?

[ Blinking herself out of the odd dreaminess of describing her feelings with a wide angle, Saya looks to him with gentle surprise. ]

That's what you are to me. One of the many things. Just being around you makes it easier to breathe.

--Which I know makes it hard to understand why I pull away when I'm feeling the worst of it. It's messy.

[ She shifts to get her arms around him for the first time since they sat at the piano. ] Just keep being there. Even if the waves pull me away, I'll always come back.

...Maybe I should play more. He'd scold me for sitting at an instrument and crying instead of using it. And music is special to our relationship since he convinced me to love it again.

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