Red Son (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forgingfires) wrote2029-03-25 09:33 am
forgingfires) wrote2029-03-25 09:33 am
Seasons Inbox
"You have contacted the great Red Son! Leave a message after the beep and keep it brief. If this is about a repair job, state the object and problem."
no subject
I promise. [ She's being honest but she doesn't know how hard she'll really try to not be alone. ]
And we can talk like we did before, when you're not busy with MK. If you're too busy, then... that's fine, it's not necessary...
--It'll be good for you two, to figure things out without any... complications.
[ Which Saya sees herself as. She's not only having to deal with being second to someone else, but feeling like she's a blade cutting two people she loves without even meaning to. ]
[ Her language here is probably raising some big flags, overall. Seeing herself as a problem to be overcome, something Red Son and MK need to Handle rather than a participant or partner. ]
no subject
Saya, you're not a complication. That-your time away is to help you adjust. To wrangle your instincts as you got used to something new.
Its not because you're in the way.
[He holds her tighter. It'd probably be painful if she was mortal. Luckily she's not.]
Is this time away going to help you, or is it...is it some kind of attempt to see if I'll stop caring about you?
no subject
I just want both of you to be happy. You have MK now, that's what you-- [ really wanted. ]
...I understand the situation, I do. I don't think you'll stop caring, you don't abandon people. I just need to get used to where I stand now. You have priorities and I need to respect that.
no subject
no subject
[ He described MK as special and that it probably terrifies her. It didn't until that moment, when MK was special and she was only pretty and powerful and someone who would fit in on the demon courts. There's a clear difference. ]
There's no way I could hear you talk about him and not understand. You have a shared history. I'm on the outside of that. And if you left from here, you'd have to rebuild things some, but you'd still know him, you'd still have that.
[ She might be just a tiny bit petrified of him vanishing and forgetting her. Her being without a home at all. ]
It's okay... I'll find a way to manage. I won't be a problem.
no subject
I would be a different person if I hadn't met you. We have a shared history. A history that's important to me. If I left here, if I lost these memories, I would be losing more than just whatever progress I made with him.
I'd lose you. I'd lose the things you made better in me. I'd be losing a lot of important things.
You aren't a problem. You'll never be a problem.
If I lost those memories, that would be the problem and that's why I want to make sure I will go looking for what I lost!
no subject
There's no if. I lose everyone I love. Dozens of them. [ Popping up in her dreams to remind her of her failures, night after night. With one notable absence. ]
I always knew that I was what you settled for because you didn't think you could have him. Or Mei. I should have accepted it already. I will. I just need time.
no subject
[He straightens up. He doesn't let go of her entirely, a hand on her arm, but he is still a demon prince. He can put on the regal airs when he needs to, tone that of one demanding attention he rightly deserves.]
So I should be insulted is what I'm hearing.
no subject
I... what?
[ She's in a fog, the dots aren't connecting. ]
no subject
Do you think I am so poor a choice for a mate that I would simply settle for someone? Do you take the heir of the Demon Bull Family as so pathetic?
[He may be insecure as well, but he knows what kind of air he is supposed to put on and its an act he's had plenty of time to perfect, even if he never had a need to use it here.]
no subject
Of course not. I wouldn't be so upset at the idea of losing you if I thought any of that.
no subject
To insult one's mate is to insult one's self. Especially in my family, where love comes first in these matters.
To settle when my parents allow me to marry for love would be a grave insult to them both. There are many demon families that would not give such freedom, especially when we need to rebuild our court properly. That is how much they value such things and their expectations of myself to find those worthy of my affections.
Do you wish to keep implying that I would insult my parents and demean myself in such a way?
no subject
--No. Not at all. I'm sorry.
[ She takes a slow breath to try to calm herself down. It only works marginally. Her head is full of loss and she can't imagine any other outcome for anything. ]
I'm just... scared.
no subject
[But he does gentle at that.]
I know.
But you were spiraling.
And I was a bit insulted.
I've always wanted love. Love like my parents had. A love they didn't find until they were way older than me.
I wouldn't even joke about the idea for settling when I've been dating less than a year.
If I didn't think this couldn't be a love as great as that, I wouldn't have let you bite me.
no subject
I want that too. But... I had that once. And I lost it. The pain of that-- it's what your mother went through, but worse since there was no undoing it. [ SO FAR AS SHE KNOWS RIGHT NOW ]
With all that's been going on, the dreams where they were all reminding me of my failures, it's hard not to think of loss. You and MK starting up overlapped it, and my instincts are screaming, and then Venti was gone, and all my fears are just. Magnified.
I apologize for the insult to you and your family. I never meant to imply a lacking in you, but in myself.
no subject
And I understand you can only stand so much being assured you are more than enough.
So I want you to remember that. To settle means one believes they can't do better. And in this matter, not even my own dark voices would convince me to settle, I'm too stubborn to give up on something I want that much. I'd need at least several centuries of trying before I dared let myself get discouraged.
I am rather selfish, after all.
And perhaps that will be a little easier for you to wrap your head around.
no subject
I'll make every effort. [ Success may be mixed, terms and conditions apply. ]
I don't want to lose you. Or cause you pain. And it feels like the best way to do that is to keep my pain as far away from you as possible.
...But I don't know if that's best. I don't know if space would help or hurt. MK asked me to stay away for a while, but that might have been because he could sense that I was eager for distance.
It could be that I'm doing that thing where I punish myself, it's hard to tell. [ She 100% is. ] I'm not thinking clearly in the slightest.
no subject
There is a good chance. He is quite good at sensing...limits. When people need him to back off, as it were.
[His thumb gently traces over her cheek.] That is why I pulled the promise from you. To not be alone, even if it wasn't me.
....perhaps then time could be bitesized? We could spend an hour, or thirty minutes together everyday. So you know I'm still here, but you could still have plenty of time away?
no subject
I want to be alone. I want to fly to the edge of the map, outrun everything in my head. I want to stay awake until I can't think straight so I don't have to see them and I won't have to think about why Haji isn't there. I want to smash this piano to flinders so Venti's memory stops haunting me. I want to go back and shake myself until I stop doing whatever humans command of me.
I want to run away from what I have so at least the loss isn't blindsiding me. I want to say the hell with my promise not to hold myself back from anyone, that it would be less pain to just run.
--I know I shouldn't. But that's what's in my head.
no subject
You'd regret breaking the piano. You don't want to be alone. You don't want to hold back.
I just gave the okay to pursue the monkey, you really want to give that up now? [He is Very Much Trying for her.]
[He kisses the top of her head.]
I know its all in your head. And I'm here to pursue you until you can pull away from those thoughts.
no subject
...I am actually happy now. But being happy now means I'm happy without them.
[ That's the closest she can get to explaining how she feels. And why she sometimes wants to ruin every good thing she has, the most twisted memorial possible. ]
Time together every day sounds good. But you'd have to avoid talking about MK or Mei unless I bring them up. Activating my jealousy will only set me back. Just for these few weeks. Can you manage that? [ She's honestly not sure if he can. ]
no subject
I can avoid talking about them. [He's been working on it, okay!]
no subject
[ Usually she just invents her own reasons for this shit but this time there is actual evidence. ]
--Only while I'm getting my head straight. I'd never ask you to stop talking about what's important to you in any long term way. It's just that if the point of visiting is to make me feel cared about... [ right now MK is too big a minefield ] If you can't agree to that, I understand.
no subject
There are regrets, but you also know he wanted you happy. You were certain of it.
I already agreed to it, Saya.
no subject
Maybe it was arrogant of me to assume what he would want. I wasn't there when he died. I wasn't there for a long time before that, because of my own fears of being close to a new Chevalier. I tormented him, and then I wasn't there.
[ She squirms a bit at the "I already agreed to it" line, but says nothing. She doesn't believe it. She believes he's being honest, but she doesn't think it's possible for him to focus on her only for however short a time. ]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)