forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

Cole didn't do anything wrong. He didn't even know it was me at the time I made that promise, and by then it was done. If anyone should get the brunt of that, it should be me. Wukong asked me not to talk to him for a while, but I still broke my word after I gave it.

...Maybe that was a factor in him admitting that Wukong uses my nickname for him. Maybe he was lashing out again because yet again, something I did hurt Wukong in a way that took Wukong away from him.

Doesn't really make it okay that he went for the tender spots rather than admit the truth, but it might not have teased it apart so much.

But either he's hurting me on purpose or he's doing it because he's angry with me, and neither of them are particularly conducive to being friends or jumping into bed. And that's not accounting for all the other crossed wires I mentioned, which would be enough on their own.

Cole would beg to differ.

Did MK say specifically he was doing it to hurt, or just getting a reaction?

Cole can beg all he wants, he didn't do anything wrong. He was trying to help, in fact. [ Very slight protective hackles raised, yep. ]

I didn't ask if he did it to hurt, I said he did it to get a reaction and he confirmed it. But you know what you know about me and Wukong, you knew without me telling you that it would hurt me to have that nickname thrown at me casually. MK is good at knowing these things.

And if it wasn't meant to hit me where it hurts, why would the very next thing he said be "I'm jealous of you right now"? [ Come on, now. ]

The fact his insecurity is going haywire.

It has been for a while. I know he was worked up about Saya, and we're working on it, but then this all happened with Wukong. After the Lady Bone Demon, and everything with Azure Lion, where Wukong keeps getting taken.

The guy who should be impossible to get rid of, and MK keeps losing him, and he may still think he's second place to Saya, and we're the only friends he has from home. Usually he has the Dragon Girl and the rest of his adoptive family, and now he has us and Cole and Saya, but the kind of close friends he's used to takes time.

Maybe he did mean to hurt you.

Or maybe, he did what he did with Wukong, where the first things he said to him was how he was a monkey and how he was his successor and essentially was trying to speedrun himself into his heart again.

Where the lashing out is less about hurt and more about clinging to those he cares about because he's terrified he's going to lose them if he doesn't hold on tight enough.

And maybe that's all the reason. But driven by insecurity or driven by anger, the result is still that he chose to hurt me in the way he knew would be most precisely painful. It's not fair to expect me to react to it so differently because the motivation may have been slightly offset from where I presumed.

Especially if it's going to happen twice.

And it's not as if I'm angry at him, or holding it over him. I didn't even get the hell out of dodge after he said it, nether time. The second time I stayed and helped him make sure there was no danger from his monkey form while he let some things out. That involved some sustained contact, too, which you know I'm not comfortable with as a general rule.

I just think it means I need to consider how wise it is to get closer when this is simmering in the background.

Was it stupid? Yes. And he shouldn't have done it.

There is just a chance he didn't fully wrap his mind around it as being 'hurt,' as more... [He pauses, waving a hand in the air.] 'This is a nickname of closeness and maybe if Macaque sees how close I want to be, he'll stay'.

That kind of thought process. Was he right? No. And he shouldn't do it again. But if he's going to be an idiot because his feelings are a mess, its easier to figure out what's going on if his real thought process is known.

And I am going to get it out of him.

That definitely was not the context of the rest of the conversation from there. "I'm jealous, so I said this to get a reaction out of you" does not connect with "nickname of closeness".

But by all means, talk to him. I'm a little nervous that he's going to think he's upset me more than he has, which is why I haven't gone into it, but he'll just have to actually ask me about it if he wants to know. In my mind there's a difference between being angry and deciding I shouldn't get closer to him than I am, a large one, but he may not see it that way.

Edited 2023-11-28 00:54 (UTC)

He does like to assume the worst in these sort of things.

But there's a lot of reasons to have this conversation. For his own sake too.

He's clearly getting way too lost in his own head and if he continues like that, it'll start hurting him in other ways.

He's an adult, he can discuss it with me if he wants to. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, and he'd better be ready to hear that. But I certainly don't want to hurt him back, or I would have done it.

But I don't think I'm changing my mind about being friends or saying yes to the other thing anytime soon.

[Man, you still love that boy, what do you even call your relationship.]

That is something for MK to convince you of.

After I sit him down for an indepth talk about self reflection so hopefully he'll stop being idiotic about it.

[ COMPLICATED. Which is the entire point, weren't you paying attention? ]

No, it's not for him to convince me of. He can ask if he wants to, and he should accept my answer whatever the reasons are, whether he agrees with them or likes them or not. Just because it would maybe make him happy doesn't make it the right thing or the best thing.

I'll make sure he understands how boundaries work better. Not everyone can just be harassed like I was.

[ glance ]

You realize it's not on you to give him better boundaries or to translate his intentions or to make sure I understand him, I hope. That's not why I'm here, or why I brought it up.

And I used to do that all the time with Wukong and after so long it wore on me. That's part of that "giving all the time" deathtrap I talked about a couple of times.

I want things to go well for MK.

And sometimes that means shaking him until the Noodle Brain is taking in the situation as it is over what he wants or wishes for.

And besides, he's almost definitely going to need to smooth some things over for me in the future. At some point, we are going to go home, and someone is going to wonder why the Monkie Kid is dating that demon who took over the city with his family once.

He's just getting off light now because we're here.

Fair enough.

Then, as long as you know I'm not asking you out drinking to answer for MK. Especially since that wasn't why we came in the first place.

I was more explaining why I'm hesitant to be closer. One of the reasons. Like I said, there are many. That one just happens to be concrete and easy to understand.

I know. Still, its good to know. I can't always tell when things are bothering him and since I've been...aggressive in trying to reassure him that I'm here, may not have ever come up.

And its good to know where your head is at.

[ Okay hold up ]

You're not planning to reassure him that I'm fine with it all, I hope. Even if it would make him feel better? I don't want to set him up for a nasty surprise.

Like I said, I'm not angry, but I don't want to put you in a weird position with him because you and I tell each other things.

Of course I'm not going to tell him you're fine with all that, you're clearly not?

And if MK has issues with me having...

Friendly acquaintance.

Then that is another thing I need to shake into his head.

I'm just checking. It can be tempting to say the words you know will make the one you love feel better, even when you know it's not true.

MK wouldn't restrict who you can talk to, I'm sure. Whether he'll be on board with me bedding you again I couldn't begin to guess, that's not a discussion I have a place in. It'd be a shame if it's a no, but certainly not the only thing I get out of associating with you.

And just make him vulnerable after the fact. Its not the worst thing I'll have to say to a loved one, I'll manage. At worst, he might cry, but that might be good for him. Get it out.

Hm, it would be a shame. Though he'd probably say yes if we recorded it. [Listen. He's feeling the booze so some things come out.] But yes, I do get more out of you than just a fun roll in the sheets.

Sometimes it's easy to avoid thinking about the long term. Although you are more of a thinker than most, so. [ Just don't set the kid up for false expectations is all. ]

--I know you're joking, but that falls under "I'm not a toy" again. [ Kindly refrain. ]

Usually when I don't think about the consequences, its because I'm reacting in the moment. I'm pretty good at it when I have some time to think.

Noted. [A pause.] Would any recording make you feel like a toy, or is it just this specific circumstance? I'm curious.

[ He chuckles ] If it's for your own use, that's fair game. Showing it off needs explicit permission. [ Consent and all. ]

It's the recording as a bribe for MK allowing it that's the hard no. Either he's fine with it or he isn't.

[He nods with his own chuckle.] All right, that makes more sense. You were so into the show and performance idea, I would have pegged you for enjoying recording too.

But no bribery is fair.

All else being equal, I'd make a sport of being taped. It sounds like fun.

Or watched if things go that way eventually... I'm just less sure that things will shake out in a way where that's possible at this moment. But never say never and all that. [ If anyone could turn things around from this much hurt, it's MK. ]

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