forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

True. Sometimes people need space. I adore Noodle Boy and Dragon Girl, but I felt like I was going to vibrate out of my skin after the first time I hung out with them as just friends. I didn't sleep for two days. [The over stimulation and anxiety was Real Intense.]

I don't know. At least they don't seem to make each other worse so small favors. I think the competition keeps them somewhat grounded.

[Red Son huffs and pulls over one of the spicy snacks.] Probably. Busybody hero types.

She could. [He shrugged.] But that....I'm already working on that anyway.

I always needed space, from everyone except Wukong. Even from our brothers. He was always the exception to every rule I had, until things went back and I turned him into the epitome of every rule I had. Speaking of going from one extreme to the other.

Honestly if he could see inside my head he'd either be horrified or relieved, since he's so nervous about hurting me. Probably a bit of both.

You two do have surprising things in common.

But it does happen. Some people just get under all the barriers where it feels...safe.

What do you think he's see?

He'd see that I'd sign up for every hurt he could dish out and then some for a chance at fixing things. And that I feel the same sense of responsibility he does about not hurting him, except I'm willing to risk it and apparently he isn't.

And that if killing me wasn't enough to change me feelings then nothing would be so there's no pressure about it either way.

It'd probably be overwhelming. He gets it into his head what the consequences of his actions should be and he struggles when it's different.

Especially when it may be easier than he thinks it should be.

He doesn't want me to twist myself in knots for him. In theory I don't want that either, since it's the same problem we had before.

But I'd take that ten thousand times over continuing to be worse than nothing to each other the way we have. After all this time, all the drama, all the introspection I've done about my part in how things went wrong, I still can't say no to him about anything. If he asked me for a piece of the sky I wouldn't be able to rest until it was in his hand. So I don't know what to do with all that.

Unfortunately, probably not tell him that for a while. At least the intensity.

Its like... [He glances at the bottle. He pauses an huffs a bit in amusement, grabbing it to pour another, though he also motions and asks for another bottle. Something to mix in so its not so strong.]

Its like how you react to the thought of friends who aren't Wukong. Maybe start like that.

What would make you comfortable to have someone else call you friend? And try going at it from that angle.

I wouldn't tell him that. He's like a skittish animal right now. The best move is probably to hold my hand out in a nonthreatening manner and wait to be approached. I'm not an idiot; I'm telling you all this, there's no intention to tell him.

[ He empties his glass again and fills it with more of the strong stuff. And then drinks half of that. ]

If I only knew. MK is already on me about being his friend, and Cole to a much less intense extent, and they won't accept me telling them that it's a terrible idea.

With Wukong it was always like a joke about magnets, we couldn't keep from getting closer if we tried. Even during this conversation where he was essentially shooting me down, he had his arms and tail around me for half of it. With him it's natural. With anyone else it definitely isn't.

Hmm, that might work. You may have to push a little sometimes. He's...very skittish.

Well, at least that's proof he definitely wants things to work out. He wants closeness, even if he's afraid. Especially when he's not that touchy with most. You're special.

Why do you think you're a terrible idea to befriend?

I know how to handle him. Or at least I knew, and it seems like I still have enough going for me in that regard. It's me I apparently have the problem with.

[ Since the mushrooms have yet to wear off, Macaque smiles a bit at the thought that Wukong still thinks he's special. And so he takes a long drink to cover it up. ]

Don't you start on me too. It's no great mystery why I'm afraid to get close to people.

Need to figure out those nuances again.

[He shrugged.] I like to think I'm a little less...overwhelming in these matters than Noodle Boy. I don't know about Cole, but he can be kind of pushy.

And I know why you're afraid to get close to people, but it is different than being a terrible idea. There's being afraid of being hurt and thinking the idea in general is terrible.

[ It's around this point that Macaque realizes he should have waited until the damn mushrooms wore off to have this discussion. ]

I'll hurt him. Both of them. It's a certainty, because I don't get close to people and I feel backed into a corner the more they try. And I don't want to do that.

[He hums. He grabs some snacks and shift them over to Macaque. Something to help absorb all the alcohol.]

Noodle Boy just decided one day we were going to be friends and he refused to take no for an answer. And of course I did say no. I was saying no for a long, long time.

I don't know if it was stubborn optimism, or his intuition that made him pursue me because he knew I wanted him to on some level.

Then I heard about the day on the beach.

I was taken from the moment I was captured into the scroll. Wukong actually told me about it at first and that may have contributed to our problems. After all, here Wukong shows up when its just us here, telling me that hey, my parents are fine! Not only that, they're comfortable enough around everyone we could have a day on the beach! [He waves his hands in the air.] I couldn't believe it at first. It sounded too good to be true.

I had been spending everyday since we defeated the Lady Bone Demon absolutely certain one day our friendship was going to fall apart. That father would decide he wanted to conquer again and I would have to choose.

Yet I let them pull me along anyway. Let them befriend me and make me happy because it felt too painful to reject it before I was forced to. I was too selfish and masochistic to do so.

Then MK confirmed the beach happened and it was... [He laughs breathlessly, and take another long sip.] A lot.

I could be his friend. I didn't have to hold back. Whatever made my parents agree to a beach day, I could make sure it lasted a century at least. I didn't have to guard my heart from the knife I was sure I was going to have to force into it anymore.

.....and I realized all the ways I had been a bad friend to him.

[ Macaque looks at the snacks, rolls his eyes, and drinks more. He's not a child. ]

--How wonderful for you. But like everyone else, you're missing the point.

Look what I did to the person I love most in the world. I broke him apart just because I could. Because anger was easier than feeling anything else. Imagine what MK would do with that. He has enough troubles in this world, enough doubts. I'm not going to be another thing he has to survive.

I broke his heart.

Bad enough the Weremonkey almost killed me.

Exactly. And I'm not willing to let it get far enough that I have the chance to.

I don't need a reason anyway. "No" should be enough of an answer.

So you think I should break up with MK and stop being close to him then? [Pointed eyebrow raise.]

That is a whole different sentence, what are you even talking about. Don't make wild inferences, it's disingenuous and you're smart enough to know what I'm getting at.

And I'm not asking that in a serious 'should I actually do it' way, its a 'I have a point' question.

The fact is, I hurt MK. I hurt him badly.

And that was after I apologized after months of not. How he had gone after me over and over again for friendship and I never even had the nerve to let him know that I regret now all those times I hurt him now.

So I apologized and told him I never wanted to hurt him on purpose again.

And then I hurt him bad enough that he lashed out, albeit in a form that makes it hard for him to control his emotions. But I still did that.

And then I apologized again, even if I didn't tell him....how badly I got hurt. [Because MK definitely didn't need to know THE EXTENT.] Just enough for him to know that I was the reason why he was upset the morning after.

Because even if MK isn't demanding apologies or attempts to make up for past actions, he deserves them. And I love him, so I make sure to give him what he's owed. Especially when I fuck up with him.

I know all that. At least the generalities of it. That's all well and good for you, but I'm not you.

The difference is you're willing to try it. And I really shouldn't need to say anything more than that I don't want to for everyone to just accept it. Maybe that changes for me and maybe not, but it's not something I should have to be talked into.

My goal isn't to talk you into it. Being forced does suck.

But.

Let your no be because its what you want over what you're afraid might happen to MK. MK isn't fragile. Especially when you are so ready to accept when others do the exact same fuck ups you're afraid of doing yourself.

Sometimes he makes it so he just has to endure things, true, but that's why he has people around him. To make sure he gets what he deserves.

It doesn't matter what the reason is, a no is a no. My reason could be airtight, or made of tissue paper.

I should really stop explaining myself because all it does is make people assume it's a starting point for negotiations.

Ah, the burden of people wanting you to be happy.

But I'll drop it. So. Wukong?

You said that wrong, it's the burden of other people presuming they know better than I do what would make me happy. Sure, in a perfect world where literally everything is different I'm sure I'd have a whole pack of close friends and be delighted, but I'm stuck in this one. Pretending things are different doesn't make it so.

[ Apparently Macaque isn't quite ready to drop it. Mushrooms and all. ]

Wukong has always been the only exception to all of that. Even our brothers, it was never the same. I wouldn't have bothered with them at all if Wukong hadn't pulled me in. And I'm quite sure they wouldn't have bothered with me.

Since I met him, I never needed or wanted anyone else. Then MK comes along and keeps insisting I'm his teacher when I only did that to get to Wukong, and he said he's willing to accept scraps of friendship from me and that's blatantly ridiculous, Cole keeps insisting he trusts me and what is wrong with them that they can't see what's wrong with me?

If I knew the answer to that, I'd understand a lot more what MK sees in me.

I know what I see in you, but that may be different from what they see. MK, at least, has a history of finding things in people they wouldn't see in themselves and then pulling them out. Whether or not that's on purpose or just his effect on people, I don't know.

Though I think what he sees as scraps is different from how you see it. That's probably him being patient.

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