forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

You are definitely going kid gloves there. [He pours himself a second glass.]

He does need to learn he doesn't wreck everything. He certainly did a lot of damage, but part of the damage also came from other people messing with him.

Of course, he doesn't want to address that because that knocks over the house of cards he's put up to make that all okay... [He huffs, sipping his drink.]

Positive reinforcement and confidence isn't a bad idea. But you do need to make sure you don't focus on that too long. Or you'll fall into the same vicious cycle you were before.

I can't think what else to do. I know I've been at odds with him since I got revived but hearing him be that hard on himself was rough. Part of the reason I pushed it so much was that I was sure it would take an actual death blow to the side of his skull for any of it to sink in. [ The rest, of course, was that he was pissed and hurt and jealous. ]

[ He empties his glass again and sets it down expectantly. ]

I'll manage, I'm good at fluffing up his self-esteem, the difference just threw me. And made me feel like hell, which is probably more the problem.

I wanted to hurt him, I admit that. I didn't realize the damage I was doing.

But he does know now why you were so angry at him. Knowing why something ended up the way it did can help with figuring out what to do. [Of course, he may also feel bad he DID kill Macaque, but]

[Well, at least its something that can be addressed instead of being confused at pointed comments.]

And you know why he wasn't reacting how you expected. It wasn't callousness, it was ignorance. And you have friends to talk to when the feelings are too much.

Now if we could just get him actually talking to someone himself, it'd probably help a lot...

[ May also feel bad? He looked like Macaque shoved him beneath another mountain and threw away the key. ]

I didn't think it was callousness, I know how he acts when he's being callous. Not that he's done much of it, he sucks at it. Anger sure, there was plenty of that, but there's a difference.

[ Instead of remarking anything about "friends to talk to" he takes the bottle and fills his glass again and instantly drains it. Part of him really still wonders if being close to anyone is a mistake. ]

He's not going to talk to MK about it I'm sure, much as it would probably help. What's the vampire's competence with these things?

--I found out he's not in love with her, so I'm more or less fine with her now. From a distance, at least.

[He raises an eyebrow at the sudden downing of the glass.]

Friends is good. Friends is how you have a soundboard to keep from repeating vicious cycles. [Probably. That seems a friendship responsibility.]

She also blames herself for everything, even things that aren't her fault, and also uses it as coping. So I'm not sure she could offer more than commiserating. I don't think she'd push back on his own guilt issues as hard as someone as stubborn as Wukong would need.

Now, she could be a good person for him to talk about relationship hurdles and I could push her to do that. You can have your Wukong bitchfests with me, and he can have his bitchfests with her.

...I really don't know what he was looking for in getting involved in our relationship then. [HUFFS.]

I'm sure that's true for most people. All I see when someone wants to be closer to me is risk. Part of the appeal of talking to you is that you won't give me a hurt puppy look if I tell you to back off, and I don't think you'd get to the point where I'd need to.

--How are there three of them in one place? [ The third one being MK. ] Fine, you know her best, one should think.

The reason is being a white knight for your grave injustice against her. [ Very thick sarcasm. ] If it was self-interested entirely then he'd hardly be able to call that heroic.

Besides, that's the situation right now, who's to say it couldn't change? Not that I'm in any way for that, but you implied she could wear anyone down eventually.

True. Sometimes people need space. I adore Noodle Boy and Dragon Girl, but I felt like I was going to vibrate out of my skin after the first time I hung out with them as just friends. I didn't sleep for two days. [The over stimulation and anxiety was Real Intense.]

I don't know. At least they don't seem to make each other worse so small favors. I think the competition keeps them somewhat grounded.

[Red Son huffs and pulls over one of the spicy snacks.] Probably. Busybody hero types.

She could. [He shrugged.] But that....I'm already working on that anyway.

I always needed space, from everyone except Wukong. Even from our brothers. He was always the exception to every rule I had, until things went back and I turned him into the epitome of every rule I had. Speaking of going from one extreme to the other.

Honestly if he could see inside my head he'd either be horrified or relieved, since he's so nervous about hurting me. Probably a bit of both.

You two do have surprising things in common.

But it does happen. Some people just get under all the barriers where it feels...safe.

What do you think he's see?

He'd see that I'd sign up for every hurt he could dish out and then some for a chance at fixing things. And that I feel the same sense of responsibility he does about not hurting him, except I'm willing to risk it and apparently he isn't.

And that if killing me wasn't enough to change me feelings then nothing would be so there's no pressure about it either way.

It'd probably be overwhelming. He gets it into his head what the consequences of his actions should be and he struggles when it's different.

Especially when it may be easier than he thinks it should be.

He doesn't want me to twist myself in knots for him. In theory I don't want that either, since it's the same problem we had before.

But I'd take that ten thousand times over continuing to be worse than nothing to each other the way we have. After all this time, all the drama, all the introspection I've done about my part in how things went wrong, I still can't say no to him about anything. If he asked me for a piece of the sky I wouldn't be able to rest until it was in his hand. So I don't know what to do with all that.

Unfortunately, probably not tell him that for a while. At least the intensity.

Its like... [He glances at the bottle. He pauses an huffs a bit in amusement, grabbing it to pour another, though he also motions and asks for another bottle. Something to mix in so its not so strong.]

Its like how you react to the thought of friends who aren't Wukong. Maybe start like that.

What would make you comfortable to have someone else call you friend? And try going at it from that angle.

I wouldn't tell him that. He's like a skittish animal right now. The best move is probably to hold my hand out in a nonthreatening manner and wait to be approached. I'm not an idiot; I'm telling you all this, there's no intention to tell him.

[ He empties his glass again and fills it with more of the strong stuff. And then drinks half of that. ]

If I only knew. MK is already on me about being his friend, and Cole to a much less intense extent, and they won't accept me telling them that it's a terrible idea.

With Wukong it was always like a joke about magnets, we couldn't keep from getting closer if we tried. Even during this conversation where he was essentially shooting me down, he had his arms and tail around me for half of it. With him it's natural. With anyone else it definitely isn't.

Hmm, that might work. You may have to push a little sometimes. He's...very skittish.

Well, at least that's proof he definitely wants things to work out. He wants closeness, even if he's afraid. Especially when he's not that touchy with most. You're special.

Why do you think you're a terrible idea to befriend?

I know how to handle him. Or at least I knew, and it seems like I still have enough going for me in that regard. It's me I apparently have the problem with.

[ Since the mushrooms have yet to wear off, Macaque smiles a bit at the thought that Wukong still thinks he's special. And so he takes a long drink to cover it up. ]

Don't you start on me too. It's no great mystery why I'm afraid to get close to people.

Need to figure out those nuances again.

[He shrugged.] I like to think I'm a little less...overwhelming in these matters than Noodle Boy. I don't know about Cole, but he can be kind of pushy.

And I know why you're afraid to get close to people, but it is different than being a terrible idea. There's being afraid of being hurt and thinking the idea in general is terrible.

[ It's around this point that Macaque realizes he should have waited until the damn mushrooms wore off to have this discussion. ]

I'll hurt him. Both of them. It's a certainty, because I don't get close to people and I feel backed into a corner the more they try. And I don't want to do that.

[He hums. He grabs some snacks and shift them over to Macaque. Something to help absorb all the alcohol.]

Noodle Boy just decided one day we were going to be friends and he refused to take no for an answer. And of course I did say no. I was saying no for a long, long time.

I don't know if it was stubborn optimism, or his intuition that made him pursue me because he knew I wanted him to on some level.

Then I heard about the day on the beach.

I was taken from the moment I was captured into the scroll. Wukong actually told me about it at first and that may have contributed to our problems. After all, here Wukong shows up when its just us here, telling me that hey, my parents are fine! Not only that, they're comfortable enough around everyone we could have a day on the beach! [He waves his hands in the air.] I couldn't believe it at first. It sounded too good to be true.

I had been spending everyday since we defeated the Lady Bone Demon absolutely certain one day our friendship was going to fall apart. That father would decide he wanted to conquer again and I would have to choose.

Yet I let them pull me along anyway. Let them befriend me and make me happy because it felt too painful to reject it before I was forced to. I was too selfish and masochistic to do so.

Then MK confirmed the beach happened and it was... [He laughs breathlessly, and take another long sip.] A lot.

I could be his friend. I didn't have to hold back. Whatever made my parents agree to a beach day, I could make sure it lasted a century at least. I didn't have to guard my heart from the knife I was sure I was going to have to force into it anymore.

.....and I realized all the ways I had been a bad friend to him.

[ Macaque looks at the snacks, rolls his eyes, and drinks more. He's not a child. ]

--How wonderful for you. But like everyone else, you're missing the point.

Look what I did to the person I love most in the world. I broke him apart just because I could. Because anger was easier than feeling anything else. Imagine what MK would do with that. He has enough troubles in this world, enough doubts. I'm not going to be another thing he has to survive.

I broke his heart.

Bad enough the Weremonkey almost killed me.

Exactly. And I'm not willing to let it get far enough that I have the chance to.

I don't need a reason anyway. "No" should be enough of an answer.

So you think I should break up with MK and stop being close to him then? [Pointed eyebrow raise.]

That is a whole different sentence, what are you even talking about. Don't make wild inferences, it's disingenuous and you're smart enough to know what I'm getting at.

And I'm not asking that in a serious 'should I actually do it' way, its a 'I have a point' question.

The fact is, I hurt MK. I hurt him badly.

And that was after I apologized after months of not. How he had gone after me over and over again for friendship and I never even had the nerve to let him know that I regret now all those times I hurt him now.

So I apologized and told him I never wanted to hurt him on purpose again.

And then I hurt him bad enough that he lashed out, albeit in a form that makes it hard for him to control his emotions. But I still did that.

And then I apologized again, even if I didn't tell him....how badly I got hurt. [Because MK definitely didn't need to know THE EXTENT.] Just enough for him to know that I was the reason why he was upset the morning after.

Because even if MK isn't demanding apologies or attempts to make up for past actions, he deserves them. And I love him, so I make sure to give him what he's owed. Especially when I fuck up with him.

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms

Re: after the truthshrooms