forgingfires | Seasons Inbox

There is definitely some of his old self in there. [BOY IS THERE.]

It was hardly such a quick process. It never really is. But he is different now.

You're different too.

I mean, I only saw a few moments, but there was a....softness you had at first under the mountain. Before you got angry.

That isn't present now, at least not without frayed edges. The closest is when you talk about Noodle Boy, or when you were offering comfort.

[ That gives Macaque some pause. He goes still for a long moment. ]

Is that really what you see?

[ Is it not as painfully obvious as Macaque believes it is that all that is false bluster? At what point did it become real instead of a protective front? ]

Yes.

Its not as if you're without softness.

But its different. Its...fragile.

It's fear. [ Normally he wouldn't admit it, but the mushrooms. ]

When the person you're closest to burns you and kills you, I suppose that's bound to happen.

I like to think all that is intentional, but at some point it became habit.

And if something is a habit long enough, its just part of you.

An understandable habit. Its to be expected because of that.

But it still leads to being different. Wukong became dimmer. You became more shrouded in shadow. There are still plenty of things that are there, but they have to be figured out.

Its not an insurmountable thing.

Father changed to. Under the mountain. I wasn't sure at first, wondered if it was just rose colored glasses. but mother saw it too. They had to adjust. But they did and still are when they find stumbling points.

Love can't fix everything, but its not supposed to. It just keeps you there to figure out those stumbles.

"Love makes everything possible" would be a lot easier to swallow if that love was a mutual thing. It's not. He made that very clear.

Right now I'm chasing him again. Like I always did. In ways that led to resentment. Another habit, I suppose.

Edited 2023-11-26 19:51 (UTC)

Not all love is romantic love. He wants to try for you. He wants to work through something incredibly messy and difficult for you.

That is a kind of love.

And this time, you know to call him out when he isn't reaching back in the way you need. Which you'll probably have to do. He doesn't know how to reach out in other ways on his own. But what matters is he listens to you.

It feels like history repeating itself regardless. I won't know if I have it in me to make the point, especially without snapping, until it happens.

He mentioned that he's worried about messing things up, at least that's new even if I'm not sure it's a good thing. I don't like the tentativeness but that at least sounds more like caring? I did try to make the point that I had my role in breaking us too but he seems determined to take all the blame. Moving from one extreme to the other.

...you could do something scheduled. A regular check in, to avoid those habits. Like the rules Noodle Boy and I set up when we started. Special circumstances where we make sure we slow down and work things through instead of getting caught up in emotions and just reacting. Keeps us from getting lost in our own heads about each other.

Which doesn't do much for him taking all the blame right now, but it could help you both in feeling like you are doing something instead of waiting for something to break.

Like have a day once a month where you make it a point to talk about any issues or concerns. Maybe use the mushrooms if you feel like you're not going to be able to say anything. Make a new habit.

[ Macaque looks incredulous for a long moment, then proceeds to down his entire glass. Probably don't let him overdo that. ] ...Whoa, you weren't kidding. [ He presents his glass for refilling regardless. ]

I think a monthly bitchfest would wreak havoc on his already shitty self confidence. [ He rubs his right temple. ] This is what I get for wishing he'd be slightly less full of himself.

It's also a lot of work for a relationship he has no interest in being in. If I go too hard too fast he'll probably bolt like a frightened deer.

Told you. [He will pour him another though.]

And it doesn't have to be a bitchfest. You two have a lot of history you need to muddle through, and that takes time, especially in figuring out your pace for it. The idea would be to address the little things that are happening now before they could become big things.

You let him know you feel he's shutting you out too much. He lets you know your words are cutting too deep. Things like that. Keep you two communicating.

Did he say he had no interest in repairing your relationship? Not the romantic part, just having something that's close.

He has interest in getting his friend back, but I don't think he's thought any of it through, not in the ways I did. Probably because he never thought it would happen... fair enough, given how I've been acting.

He also said that he doesn't know what he wants and that he's not the best person to make a call on that right now. Who the hell else would be in a position to decide what his own feelings are, he didn't specify. He just started in on how every time he thinks he knows where he stands with someone it goes wrong and it's his fault. He's in no shape to be honest about anything, not if he thinks that.

Hence my fear of being too harsh. And if I'm not honest enough, it's the same song and dance that already crashed and burned a millennia ago.

[ Another long drink, though he doesn't fully drain the glass. ] Before I was nervous that if I'd told him to cool it with the needless power grabs that he'd shrug me off. Now if I tell him he's upsetting me it'll destroy him and he'll think it's hopeless. Treating him like he's fragile is counterproductive I know, but you can't imagine how tired I am of hurting him.

[He nods.] That's fair. When its the one you love, hurting them is unbearable. Especially if you don't have a lot of rage and resentment to help you ignore how much you're in pain.

Though you sound like you think he's going to decide he doesn't want to have any kind of relationship if he thinks about it?

I don't think he thinks that. I do think that if one thing goes wrong, or he thinks he's hurt me, he's going to decide he can't do it because he wrecks everything.

So I'm thinking I probably at least need to give him some positive reinforcement and confidence that I'm neither going to run off nor crumble to dust at the first sign of trouble. And I think that's probably more important than my airing every small grievance on a regular basis, especially in a way he knows is coming and is absolutely dreading.

You are definitely going kid gloves there. [He pours himself a second glass.]

He does need to learn he doesn't wreck everything. He certainly did a lot of damage, but part of the damage also came from other people messing with him.

Of course, he doesn't want to address that because that knocks over the house of cards he's put up to make that all okay... [He huffs, sipping his drink.]

Positive reinforcement and confidence isn't a bad idea. But you do need to make sure you don't focus on that too long. Or you'll fall into the same vicious cycle you were before.

I can't think what else to do. I know I've been at odds with him since I got revived but hearing him be that hard on himself was rough. Part of the reason I pushed it so much was that I was sure it would take an actual death blow to the side of his skull for any of it to sink in. [ The rest, of course, was that he was pissed and hurt and jealous. ]

[ He empties his glass again and sets it down expectantly. ]

I'll manage, I'm good at fluffing up his self-esteem, the difference just threw me. And made me feel like hell, which is probably more the problem.

I wanted to hurt him, I admit that. I didn't realize the damage I was doing.

But he does know now why you were so angry at him. Knowing why something ended up the way it did can help with figuring out what to do. [Of course, he may also feel bad he DID kill Macaque, but]

[Well, at least its something that can be addressed instead of being confused at pointed comments.]

And you know why he wasn't reacting how you expected. It wasn't callousness, it was ignorance. And you have friends to talk to when the feelings are too much.

Now if we could just get him actually talking to someone himself, it'd probably help a lot...

[ May also feel bad? He looked like Macaque shoved him beneath another mountain and threw away the key. ]

I didn't think it was callousness, I know how he acts when he's being callous. Not that he's done much of it, he sucks at it. Anger sure, there was plenty of that, but there's a difference.

[ Instead of remarking anything about "friends to talk to" he takes the bottle and fills his glass again and instantly drains it. Part of him really still wonders if being close to anyone is a mistake. ]

He's not going to talk to MK about it I'm sure, much as it would probably help. What's the vampire's competence with these things?

--I found out he's not in love with her, so I'm more or less fine with her now. From a distance, at least.

[He raises an eyebrow at the sudden downing of the glass.]

Friends is good. Friends is how you have a soundboard to keep from repeating vicious cycles. [Probably. That seems a friendship responsibility.]

She also blames herself for everything, even things that aren't her fault, and also uses it as coping. So I'm not sure she could offer more than commiserating. I don't think she'd push back on his own guilt issues as hard as someone as stubborn as Wukong would need.

Now, she could be a good person for him to talk about relationship hurdles and I could push her to do that. You can have your Wukong bitchfests with me, and he can have his bitchfests with her.

...I really don't know what he was looking for in getting involved in our relationship then. [HUFFS.]

I'm sure that's true for most people. All I see when someone wants to be closer to me is risk. Part of the appeal of talking to you is that you won't give me a hurt puppy look if I tell you to back off, and I don't think you'd get to the point where I'd need to.

--How are there three of them in one place? [ The third one being MK. ] Fine, you know her best, one should think.

The reason is being a white knight for your grave injustice against her. [ Very thick sarcasm. ] If it was self-interested entirely then he'd hardly be able to call that heroic.

Besides, that's the situation right now, who's to say it couldn't change? Not that I'm in any way for that, but you implied she could wear anyone down eventually.

True. Sometimes people need space. I adore Noodle Boy and Dragon Girl, but I felt like I was going to vibrate out of my skin after the first time I hung out with them as just friends. I didn't sleep for two days. [The over stimulation and anxiety was Real Intense.]

I don't know. At least they don't seem to make each other worse so small favors. I think the competition keeps them somewhat grounded.

[Red Son huffs and pulls over one of the spicy snacks.] Probably. Busybody hero types.

She could. [He shrugged.] But that....I'm already working on that anyway.

I always needed space, from everyone except Wukong. Even from our brothers. He was always the exception to every rule I had, until things went back and I turned him into the epitome of every rule I had. Speaking of going from one extreme to the other.

Honestly if he could see inside my head he'd either be horrified or relieved, since he's so nervous about hurting me. Probably a bit of both.

You two do have surprising things in common.

But it does happen. Some people just get under all the barriers where it feels...safe.

What do you think he's see?

He'd see that I'd sign up for every hurt he could dish out and then some for a chance at fixing things. And that I feel the same sense of responsibility he does about not hurting him, except I'm willing to risk it and apparently he isn't.

And that if killing me wasn't enough to change me feelings then nothing would be so there's no pressure about it either way.

It'd probably be overwhelming. He gets it into his head what the consequences of his actions should be and he struggles when it's different.

Especially when it may be easier than he thinks it should be.

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